The Parenting Difference

I began to reflect on something Sunday at a sort-of family reunion, which included cousins and other relatives I do not see often, and do not keep in touch with very well. I have two cousins who were born in the same year that I was. All three of us are products of the Illinois public school system; though we were in different buildings, surrounded by different peers, and instructed by different teachers, our school experience was quite similar in quality, standards, structure, and environment. In other words, none of the three of us attended an inner-city or wealthy-and-privileged school district.

Cousin # 1 (C1) was born premature and has some minor genetic and developmental issues. He is able to function in society, care for himself, drive, and whatever else a "normal" adult would need to do. He certainly isn't stupid, but he does have "issues" that slow him down and are probably leading him down a dead-end path. He barely graduated from high-school, and he required a "special" program to get his diploma. He has a son, but not a wife. He shares custody with a young mother who also has "issues", depends on welfare, and who knows what else can be said about her.

C1 is a fairly nice guy. He is as good of a father as he is capable. He is as honest as the next person. He has fun, he works a job, he will help when asked. I would say his character is of average ethical makeup.

C1 has a habit of poor decisions. He has lost promotions and jobs. He has a son with a woman he does not like. He is not welcome in some relative's homes anymore for various reasons. He tends to waste money that he does not have, and his lifestyle has cost other people money. He has no plans to ever acquire a degree or skill that would improve his employment prospects and increase his satisfaction. He often scoffs at ambition, but that may be his way of facing something he cannot obtain.

Cousin #2 (C2) is currently unemployed. He was laid-off due to slowness in his industry, but there may have been other factors that include his performance. He has had trouble with substance abuse. He experiences debilitating depression and has been a suicide risk in the past. He has caused a lot of grief for a mother who already has enough grief in her life.

C2 also is of average character. He is a nice guy, and people generally like him. He has a sense of humor, is intelligent, and has moments of caring and sensitivity. He spent 3 years in college and has a valuable skill (Computer-Aided Drafting-CAD) that is usually in demand. He has some aspiration and standards, and it appears to most of us that he really would like to be a responsible, reliable, and self-actualized person. However, he can never maintain the consistency of discipline, energy, interest, etc...

To sum up the cousins: we have all three had our struggles, and failed to live up to any ideal, much less our potential. We are good guys generally, but we could be and do better. None of us are criminals, devil-worshipers, or tele-marketers. However, we have caused problems for ourselves, and made our lives more difficult than they needed to be. We have missed or passed on opportunities, or dropped out of programs that would have benefited us.

I hate to judge people; I hate to toot my own horn; I am risking a few paragraphs of sounding uppity and boastful here. As a father, however, this situation is important to me because I will do anything to avoid these three scenarios for my own kids, if it is up to me. As an examiner of my own life, I can say that I am the most successful of the three thus far. Can I make sure that my two kids exceed my experience, based on what I know of the three cousins?

I have a college degree, with several marketable skills. In addition, my Marine Corps experience is a plus for most employers. I have a solid marriage, a 10-year career, property, assets, and savings. Compared to many people whom I look up to, I am an underachiever based on what "could have been". However, compared to my cousins, I am the ideal; I am living the American dream. I have done well for myself and been lucky. How much was luck and how much was influenced by my parents (and others, including my beautiful wife) and myself?

C1 has demonstrated a stronger character than I have numerous times, so I tend to disbelieve that my character is the deciding factor. C2 is probably smarter than me, especially in mathematics and other detail-oriented fields. However, I have had one thing that neither of the other cousins had: a home with two stable parents.

All three of us have been exposed to alcoholism. However, my experience was VERY mild. C1 and C2 had stepfathers who were criminally abusive to their biological mothers and to them. C2 never saw his biological father; C1 had limited access to a father of limited capabilities.

I had a biological father who was home almost every night. I never knew him to hit my mother, but I often saw them kiss. I played catch and went fishing with my dad. If I did something truly wrong, I could count on my dad to explain what it was and how to do better next time in addition to discipline.

My upbringing was not "Leave it to Beaver". I have some emotional scars, I had some negative influences, and I did not get all the love and support I expected while growing up. I think my parents had more issues than many of my friend's parents. I think that some of my problems were caused by or handed down from my family. It may have been a cake-walk compared to my cousins, but I was not always satisfied with my home life while growing up, and I am trying hard as a parent to avoid many of the things that hurt me growing up. (Having said that, I now want to say that overall, I had good parents who loved and supported me, and I am grateful to them for what I have.)

C1 and C2 did not not see a lot of love. Their mothers had more issues than most due to the situation, which made their mothering less effective. The cousins did not have a safety net. They did not have an example of how to be a respectable man. They had less education in the "soft skills" of being a man. They had less support, less peace, and less guidance. There was at least one less person in their cheering section. They also stood out against the functional families around them, and they could do little but envy the people around them.

What is worse, they had extra people in their booing section. They also had this nagging suspicion that there was something wrong with them. The whole situation was out of their control for most of their life, but they were the ones left holding the bag. There was not, and is not, any way to convince them that they are okay despite the situation they grew up in. They seem destined to have problems.

I cannot judge anyone else's experience. There are valid reasons for divorce, and people make all kinds of mistakes. Believe me, I understand how life can turn out different than you intended it. That is why I make this disclaimer: I am not judging anyone except myself and my two cousins here. Your results may vary, and I can see the need for sensitivity and empathy in these situations.

Having made such a disclaimer, I think that the difference maker for us has been the fact that I had two loving parents in my home when I was growing up who supported me, challenged me, motivated me, and disciplined me. It was a bonus that they were my biological parents, but I think a loving and healthy step-parent can make a difference too.

I think there is a lot to be said about broken homes. A lot has been said; I know I am not breaking new ground here. I just needed to write this out for my own analysis: All three cousins have individual strengths and weaknesses, but are essentially equal. One of us has done well and has a bright future and two are headed no-where (or worse). I need to know that it isn't because I am better, smarter, genetically superior, or of a higher morality; my condition is more the result of the efforts, sacrifices, and love of my parents.

No matter how hot my future secretary turns out to be, the above lesson alone is reason enough to be faithful to my wife, in order to ensure the success and mental stability of my kids. It is also a reminder that, when I feel bad about my parental shortcomings or mistakes, I can take comfort in the fact that a loving, supportive home can overcome all kinds of mistakes and shortcomings.

I think my cousins are a warning for many people who would be about to make a big mistake. I wish that C1 could understand this better and begin taking steps to compensate for his own son. Even so, this is all about me. I am writing this lesson to drill it deeper into my consciousness. My decisions have a dramatic impact on the rest of my children's life. I could make a decision today could make or break my kids for the next 80 years. I need to approach my parenting with the humility and responsibility that that knowledge inspires.