Three Thoughts On A Friday Morning

Last night, I finished my second-to-last class as an undergraduate. Next Thursday will complete my last required class for my degree. This has been a goal of mine for over ten years. Actually, I always envisioned myself with a college degree, but it barely seemed possible as I struggled through high school. I began to consider it possible while I served in the Marines and was compelled to read and learn by an internal force. I took my first undergraduate course in 1997.

Here I am in 2007, with one week to go, and I am not excited. It seems like another week to me. Maybe it hasn't sunken in. Maybe I have a background depression that I haven't fully perceived yet. Maybe, subconsciously, I am reserving myself for the big night. I would expect that I would be uncontainable, like a kid on Christmas Eve, but I am completely unfeeling about it.

Of course, I am already enrolled at the local community college in the fall semester for a technical course. And I intend to remain in good standing at Johnson County Community College to learn everything they can teach me about computer science and the Russian language. Eventually, I'd like to pass the hard classes like Calculus and Physics there, just as a personal goal. In addition, I will begin my graduate work next fall at KU. Therefore, perhaps in light of the above facts, I am incapable of viewing this as any kind of "last class".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~I Like Tildes, but I don't know why.~~~~~~~~~

A word about ADD and medication. I have been prescribed Adderall to treat my ADD. It is supposed to help me focus so I can implement new life strategies and structures to provide some level of normality and improve my productivity (and lessen my negative impact on the people around me.)

I took my first dose Tuesday, and I could see a positive difference. It is not a miracle drug, but I didn't expect it to be. I could foresee it being a positive influence, though.

I took a second dose on Wednesday morning. On Tuesday, I chased the Adderall with 10 ounces of "Diet Coke Plus"(half of the previous day's unfinished 20 oz. bottle). On Wednesday I avoided caffeine in the morning, thinking that two stimulants in one body is probably too much. I developed a head-ache that morning that almost took me to my knees. I started popping 2 or three ibuprofen every hour for most of the day, but the pain never really subsided. I also started taking in caffeine, in soda form. At some point, I realized I had way too much ibuprofen in my system, so I quit. I went to bed that night still feeling the pain.

I don't know if the headache was caused by lack of caffeine (a known withdrawal symptom) or by the Adderall (a reported side-effect). I do know that trying to focus on anything in that much pain is impossible. Wednesday sucked, despite my best efforts.

Thursday morning, I awoke early. The headache was gone, and I felt great. I took a Diet Pepsi Max (extra caffeine, plus ginseng) with me to my home office for some early morning work. Yes, I like coffee and tea, but I do not crave hot beverages in summer--another adorable quirk. After an hour of productivity, I headed upstairs to eat, take my medicine, shower, and get out the door.

So I go to the cabinet that contains a shake mix (GNC's Mega-Men: vitamins, minerals, and protein) and my Adderall. In my head, I am playing a song ("Going Down the Road Feelin' Bad" by Grateful Dead), I am planning my morning (shake, banana, pill, water, maybe an apple, maybe an egg), I am planning my day (I have to be at one customer by 8am, I need to get to Manhattan, KS by noon and leave by 3 to make my 6pm class), and I am listening for signs of life from my family. Typical morning.

I thought about grabbing my Adderall first and dry swallowing it just to check that off the list and remove one of the balls I had to juggle. I also considered washing it down with my shake. Or taking it with some of the quart of water I was forcing down to start the day hydrated. I was pulling ingredients out of cabinets and refridgerators, locating glasses and spoons, feeding dogs, and I don't know what else. I am a chaotic whirlwind.

At some point, I lost track of whether I actually took my Adderall or not. I had a vague feeling I did, but not a reliable memory of it. I had no idea, and no way to recall the last three minutes.

And that is my ADD in a nutshell, folks. I could not focus on any one task long enough to complete it reliably. For those keeping score at home, Larry's ADD was so bad on Thursday that he wasn't sure of he took his ADD medicine.

If I can't remember if I ate breakfast, I can look in the trash can and sink to find evidence. Plus, there is usually a full feeling in the stomach to go by. I could always just eat breakfast again, why not? But you cannot take two Adderalls (amphetamines; stimulant; controlled substance) in one day. It has been done before, but not by respectable people. I had no way of knowing if I took it until it took effect 30-45 minutes later, by which time I would be out the door and on the job.

I could have counted them, done some math, and if there were 27 pills in the jar, I would have known that I hadn't taken it. However, I did not have that clarity of thought at the time. So I left without it. For the last 34 years, I have lived without Adderall, so I can go another day without it; no big deal. Somewhere between Lawrence and Topeka, I finally determined that I had not taken my Adderall that day.

On my way home last night, I purchased a 7-pill container, one with a compartment for every day of the week. It looks like the one your grandma kept next to her sink, full of nitroglycerin and whatever else Grandmas take. My plan is to put one pill in each compartment for the days of the week. That way, I know that if today is "F", and the compartment for "F" is empty, then I took my medicine like a good boy. Today, there is a pill for "F" and the "S" on the far right. On Saturday morning, I plan to take that last "S". I will then realize the container is completely empty, and repopulate the compartments with pills. It'll be a Saturday morning ritual I can focus on. I hope.

Isn't there a pill I can take that helps me remember to take my pills? Not yet, but it is coming. And that is what makes America great.

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One more thing. I am continuing to listen to the audiobook for "Driven to Distraction" by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and John Ratey, M.D. Right now, they are discussing "Pseudo ADD" and the argument that ADD is over-prescribed. They address how ADD occurs more in the U.S. than anywhere else. You cannot blame it solely on our culture; otherwise, Tokyo and Shanghai would have us beat by a mile.

The doctors offer up a plausible theory: assuming ADD is genetic, which it appears to be, then it could be argued that America was founded and stocked by more ADD-carrying people than other nations. Some of the hallmarks for ADD are impulsivity, restlessness, terminal boredom leading to a need for bigger and better, and a willingness to risk all on a new stimulation.

This would describe many of the people who took the risk in coming here. It describes the reason why many people were chased out of their homeland. It would explain why we would have the audacity to rebel against the British Empire. It would explain how we can have such great successes and great problems. Many people feel that America has never lived up to her potential; people with ADD rarely achieve their potential.

Now, everybody in America: Take your pill, invade a nation, spend $100 million on a bridge in the middle of nowhere, cut benefits to millions of veterans, plow a hundred acres of wetland, guzzle a barrel of oil while complaining about the price, neglect alternative energy research in favor of stem cell research because Superman said so, and enjoy the fast, cheap food that is killing you. Just try to focus while doing so.