I Did It

My life is not going perfectly. Like everyone else, I have the daily struggles and challenges: sicknesses, time demands, financial demands, traffic, worthless local sports teams, etcetera. However, it is all just white noise against the background of my smile. I can't stop being happy. I am satisfied. I am motivated. I am elevated.

I finished my degree; I can now say I am a college graduate. I say that to myself often. Finishing my degree gives me a piece of paper that proves I am at the level where I belong. Without my degree, I felt like an impostor, a commoner who snuck his way into a royal event and everyone knew he didn't belong there. For ten years, I looked forward to the day where I could say I had a degree. I know, it doesn't actually mean a lot to anyone unless I am on a job interview. Even so, it is important to me, and it has bolstered my confidence and self-image.

Another problem I have had with my self-image is not having a certification. In the IT industry/telecommunications industry, numerous companies offer a test that, once passed, certifies your skills in a specific area. In 2000, I was first introduced to the Cisco Certified Network Associate exam. My team sat through a one week course and then took the exam. We all failed; I came within a few point of passing and should have stayed with it. Most of the guys shrugged and went on with their life. A few continued to study and later passed it. I wanted to complete it, but I had life to contend with.

If you want something bad enough, you go for it. I had a pregnant wife, and I was facing my first thoughts of fatherhood in 2000. I also was working on my degree, and wanted that more. Looming over all of this was my alcoholism, which would make a strong showing in 2000. So, I say I wanted my CCNA but I admit I didn't want it bad enough.

Even with life throwing curve balls and all the changes I have experienced since 2000, I never shook off the desire for the CCNA. I studied for it on and off over the years, but there was always something else going on to distract me. I even took it again in 2005--they had updated the exam for new technologies and made it more challenging. Again, I missed it by a few points.

In 2003 I accepted a position with my current employer. Soon after that, the company began to encourage all Field Engineers to earn their CCNA. Two of my bosses earned their certificate. Several co-workers earned theirs. I studied on and off, but there was always something else to throw me off.

In September of this year, I was a free man. I had the college degree I had always wanted. I was now able to focus on my CCNA. I chose to take an accelerated course at the local community college to help me along. When it ended in mid-October, I was free to focus daily on my existing weaknesses. I could taste the certification; I was finally to a point where I could accept nothing less.

Of course, being free of alcohol was a big boost this time. Now that I am a seasoned father and husband, I had a better conception of balancing work, family, and study. Treating my ADD has been a tremendous boost.

However, the difference maker was my attitude. I wanted my CCNA, I knew I could pass the test, I knew how to get there, and I would not accept anything less. I was going to spend every penny I could earn or borrow and I would spend every second I could until that certification was mine.

You can either take one 65 question test that covers all of the material or two smaller tests that break it up. At first, I thought that the two exam option was the way to go. As I mentioned in my previous post, I passed the first of the two. The following Monday, I failed the second one (by only a few points, as always.)

Cisco will not allow you to take the same exam more than once in a five day period. I came so close and felt so good when I failed on Monday that I told people I "smelled blood in the water." Therefore, I decided to take a chance on the one big exam, rather than wait five days to take the second-half exam again. So the night that I failed, I went home and signed up online for a Tuesday morning exam of the one-test CCNA exam option. I studied that night some more, brushed up a little in the morning, and headed on to the exam location.

The large exam was hard, hard, hard. I knew I screwed one or two questions early on. The exam was so hard, I could never get that dominant, confident feeling that I had when I passed the first-half exam.

The exam is all on a computer, and it scores your exam immediately after you finish. You click "next" through all the questions and when you get to the last question, there are two clicks to get to the pass/fail screen. Those two clicks take forever (in my mind) and are one of those dramatic moments that slow your heart and make your clicking finger heavy.

As it turned out, I passed. I did well, in fact. All my negative feelings were for naught. I walked out of the testing site without touching the ground.

It is amazing how it changed me on the inside. I am now untouchable. I have gained confidence about my future. I know that no matter what else goes on, my career is onward and upward from here.

Moreover, I unexpectedly lost a dependency on my job that I didn't know I had. I have held the title of Engineer for six years now and have ten years in the industry, I have a decent list of skills and experiences, and I have a network of friends and colleagues that has helped me out in the past. I have been laid off three times and always landed on my feet with another great job.

I now realize that I had this underlying dependency on my current job. I had a feeling that I needed it, that without this job I would have a chasm in my life. I have always known that this is just a temporary stop, and that my goal is much higher and broader than where I am now, but there was this unexplainable dependency in me that was lifted last week.

I attained my CCNA on October 30th. Since then, I have a new feeling. I feel free. I can study anything I am curious about without feeling like I am being distracted from something more important. I can set new goals, and set them higher than before. Most of all, I can leave this job. I don't have any immediate plans, and there is not a compelling reason for me to leave. I just have this new feeling that I can if I want to.

Janis Joplin sang that freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. I wish she could have know the freedom that I feel now. It has nothing to do with losing. It is more like I have been climbing a mountain for a long time, and now I am at the summit, free to look around, rest, or set my sights on new mountains. Now that I know the feeling at the summit, I want to climb another mountain.

Corporate Social Responsibility? Never Heard of It.

I have been studying business in one form or another since I was a teenager. We received lessons on finance, economics, and market-based realities starting in junior high school from Junior Achivement. I also learned a lot from my business-minded father. I found business interesting and understandable.

That education never really ceased over the years, but it took on a new dimension in the summer of 1997 when I took my first college course, "Business Math". For the next ten years, I would be employed in the business world by successful companies, including two Fortune 500 companies. I would take required and voluntary training offered by those companies and read the emails sent out by managers. I would also attend four colleges that all cater to the business community. I would be exposed to an immeasurable amount of marketing messages through the TV, Radio, print, billboards, and Internet. I often read business headlines and news. I listen to books on tape, many of which are business-oriented. In other words, I am well-versed in popular business messages and ideas. Or, so I thought.

In the second to last class required to attain my Bachelor of Science in Business Management degree from Baker University, a well-respected school in the local business community, I had a paper to write. The class was "Multi-National Management" and the requirement of the paper was vague enough: almost anything having to do with managing a company with operations in several nations. I was interested in Russia at the time and knew that there would be many resources describing the sticky situation of doing business there amidst the infamous corruption, the remnant paradigms of communism, and the rampant xenophobia in Russia. Among other relevant articles, I found an article that argued for teaching the concepts of Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) to Russian managers. The authors briefly explained what CSR was, why Russians would likely be responsive to the message, and where the biggest opportunities would be in their society and economy.

This was the first time I had heard of CSR. The concepts show up all over the place in religion, ethics, morale stories, common sense, and business practices. However, I had never heard of this singular business concept that provided a framework and philosophy for social concerns, with data to prove the financial benefits of socially-responsible actions. I was floored; I was interested; I was born again.

Where was I during all that education, corporate training, and real-world experience? Was I sleeping through the CSR modules? Why was it that with over 120 credit hours in American business schools, plus twelve years of grammar and high school, I had never seen the three words "corporate", "social, "and "responsibility" put together in that order and context? After thousands of dollars, hours, books, papers, test, lectures, emails, phone calls, and conversations, I am just hearing about CSR now, from individual research, with only a two months to go before I graduate with a Bachelor of Science in Business Management?

The last class that Baker required for my degree, it turns out, was a class that included the topic of CSR. However, the course did not use CSR as the religion, philosophy, framework, or guiding principle within which to define business ethics and community response; CSR was simply a topic in a chapter. It was downplayed as another definition to learn. For the students in that class who had not had a religious experience when they learned of CSR, it become another term to throw around in conversation and look smart.

I will never be the same. The article about CSR that was one of several sources for a paper that barely matter in the grand scheme of things has become my gospel. It is the good news I have been searching for. It helped me re-merge my splitting personalities, one which hated the monstrous and evil corporate ideal and the other that waved the banner of capitalism and saw no other way to live.

This is a link to the article that introduced me to CSR and got me excited about the future of business and America. If the link ever breaks, you can look on Ebsco-Host, Lexis-Nexis, or other periodical database for the following article:

Professors David S. Harrison and Patsy G. Lewellyn: "Russian Management Training Programs: Do Corporate Responsibility Topics have a Place?" Management Accounting Quarterly, Summer 2004: pages 25-36. I found it at: ABI/INFORM Global (PROQUEST) via Collins Library on 09 June 2007.

The Graduate

Last night, I checked off one of the biggest goals I have set for myself: I completed the required studies for a bachelor degree. I am now a college graduate, and no one can take that away from me. I have two weeks left in an online undergraduate course for Baker University, and I have a new class starting up at the community college next week. I can fail both of those classes, and every class I ever take, and I will still be a college graduate.

When I graduated high school, there were only a few things I set as goals. I had some dreams too, but the goals I needed to achieve were: graduate from Marine Corps Boot Camp, get married and have kids, own a house, and get a college degree. All of those goals seemed huge and unobtainable back then. I graduated from boot camp six months later. It took eight years to get married and buy a house, nine years from high school to have kids, and fifteen years to finish my degree.

Here I am, all of those goals checked off. I have created new goals in the meantime, and I can now focus on these new goals one at a time. The big beast of the undergraduate degree cost 10 years, unknown hours of my life, and tens of thousands of dollars (I shudder to calculate the complete cost), but it was obtainable, and worth every second and every penny.

I don't have the feeling of elation or relief. I think that I already experienced those feelings a few months ago when I realized I was almost done and there was nothing stopping me. That is when I began to consider my future and set my sights in the graduate degree. So I am elated and relieved, I am just accustomed to feeling that way now.

I have work to complete this morning, and then I have to drive to a lake and relax for a weekend. Next week, I have work and school as well as family and home-owner obligations; same as always. Life is not going to change for me very much in the near future.

However, I have a completely different future awaiting me today as a college graduate. The next time I choose or am forced to switch jobs, I have more doors opened for me. I can now attend graduate school and take a step up in opportunities. Most importantly, I can now help my children to see a college degree as something that is obtainable, valuable, and necessary.

I am standing on the summit of a mountain that I have been climbing for a long time. The mountain was obstructing a view of the other side while I climbed. I can now enjoy the view, but I realize it includes more mountains to climb - as many as I want. First, I am going down to see if there are any fish in this lake down here. However, I cannot wait to start climbing the next mountain; after climbing this big one, they all look like bunny hills to me.

Baker University, graduating class of BSM-82, on the the last night of class (August 9, 2007). I am seated in the front row in a red striped shirt:

The cake. Cake always tastes good, but this one was extra sweet and satisfying, for some reason:

Three Thoughts On A Friday Morning

Last night, I finished my second-to-last class as an undergraduate. Next Thursday will complete my last required class for my degree. This has been a goal of mine for over ten years. Actually, I always envisioned myself with a college degree, but it barely seemed possible as I struggled through high school. I began to consider it possible while I served in the Marines and was compelled to read and learn by an internal force. I took my first undergraduate course in 1997.

Here I am in 2007, with one week to go, and I am not excited. It seems like another week to me. Maybe it hasn't sunken in. Maybe I have a background depression that I haven't fully perceived yet. Maybe, subconsciously, I am reserving myself for the big night. I would expect that I would be uncontainable, like a kid on Christmas Eve, but I am completely unfeeling about it.

Of course, I am already enrolled at the local community college in the fall semester for a technical course. And I intend to remain in good standing at Johnson County Community College to learn everything they can teach me about computer science and the Russian language. Eventually, I'd like to pass the hard classes like Calculus and Physics there, just as a personal goal. In addition, I will begin my graduate work next fall at KU. Therefore, perhaps in light of the above facts, I am incapable of viewing this as any kind of "last class".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~I Like Tildes, but I don't know why.~~~~~~~~~

A word about ADD and medication. I have been prescribed Adderall to treat my ADD. It is supposed to help me focus so I can implement new life strategies and structures to provide some level of normality and improve my productivity (and lessen my negative impact on the people around me.)

I took my first dose Tuesday, and I could see a positive difference. It is not a miracle drug, but I didn't expect it to be. I could foresee it being a positive influence, though.

I took a second dose on Wednesday morning. On Tuesday, I chased the Adderall with 10 ounces of "Diet Coke Plus"(half of the previous day's unfinished 20 oz. bottle). On Wednesday I avoided caffeine in the morning, thinking that two stimulants in one body is probably too much. I developed a head-ache that morning that almost took me to my knees. I started popping 2 or three ibuprofen every hour for most of the day, but the pain never really subsided. I also started taking in caffeine, in soda form. At some point, I realized I had way too much ibuprofen in my system, so I quit. I went to bed that night still feeling the pain.

I don't know if the headache was caused by lack of caffeine (a known withdrawal symptom) or by the Adderall (a reported side-effect). I do know that trying to focus on anything in that much pain is impossible. Wednesday sucked, despite my best efforts.

Thursday morning, I awoke early. The headache was gone, and I felt great. I took a Diet Pepsi Max (extra caffeine, plus ginseng) with me to my home office for some early morning work. Yes, I like coffee and tea, but I do not crave hot beverages in summer--another adorable quirk. After an hour of productivity, I headed upstairs to eat, take my medicine, shower, and get out the door.

So I go to the cabinet that contains a shake mix (GNC's Mega-Men: vitamins, minerals, and protein) and my Adderall. In my head, I am playing a song ("Going Down the Road Feelin' Bad" by Grateful Dead), I am planning my morning (shake, banana, pill, water, maybe an apple, maybe an egg), I am planning my day (I have to be at one customer by 8am, I need to get to Manhattan, KS by noon and leave by 3 to make my 6pm class), and I am listening for signs of life from my family. Typical morning.

I thought about grabbing my Adderall first and dry swallowing it just to check that off the list and remove one of the balls I had to juggle. I also considered washing it down with my shake. Or taking it with some of the quart of water I was forcing down to start the day hydrated. I was pulling ingredients out of cabinets and refridgerators, locating glasses and spoons, feeding dogs, and I don't know what else. I am a chaotic whirlwind.

At some point, I lost track of whether I actually took my Adderall or not. I had a vague feeling I did, but not a reliable memory of it. I had no idea, and no way to recall the last three minutes.

And that is my ADD in a nutshell, folks. I could not focus on any one task long enough to complete it reliably. For those keeping score at home, Larry's ADD was so bad on Thursday that he wasn't sure of he took his ADD medicine.

If I can't remember if I ate breakfast, I can look in the trash can and sink to find evidence. Plus, there is usually a full feeling in the stomach to go by. I could always just eat breakfast again, why not? But you cannot take two Adderalls (amphetamines; stimulant; controlled substance) in one day. It has been done before, but not by respectable people. I had no way of knowing if I took it until it took effect 30-45 minutes later, by which time I would be out the door and on the job.

I could have counted them, done some math, and if there were 27 pills in the jar, I would have known that I hadn't taken it. However, I did not have that clarity of thought at the time. So I left without it. For the last 34 years, I have lived without Adderall, so I can go another day without it; no big deal. Somewhere between Lawrence and Topeka, I finally determined that I had not taken my Adderall that day.

On my way home last night, I purchased a 7-pill container, one with a compartment for every day of the week. It looks like the one your grandma kept next to her sink, full of nitroglycerin and whatever else Grandmas take. My plan is to put one pill in each compartment for the days of the week. That way, I know that if today is "F", and the compartment for "F" is empty, then I took my medicine like a good boy. Today, there is a pill for "F" and the "S" on the far right. On Saturday morning, I plan to take that last "S". I will then realize the container is completely empty, and repopulate the compartments with pills. It'll be a Saturday morning ritual I can focus on. I hope.

Isn't there a pill I can take that helps me remember to take my pills? Not yet, but it is coming. And that is what makes America great.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One more thing. I am continuing to listen to the audiobook for "Driven to Distraction" by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and John Ratey, M.D. Right now, they are discussing "Pseudo ADD" and the argument that ADD is over-prescribed. They address how ADD occurs more in the U.S. than anywhere else. You cannot blame it solely on our culture; otherwise, Tokyo and Shanghai would have us beat by a mile.

The doctors offer up a plausible theory: assuming ADD is genetic, which it appears to be, then it could be argued that America was founded and stocked by more ADD-carrying people than other nations. Some of the hallmarks for ADD are impulsivity, restlessness, terminal boredom leading to a need for bigger and better, and a willingness to risk all on a new stimulation.

This would describe many of the people who took the risk in coming here. It describes the reason why many people were chased out of their homeland. It would explain why we would have the audacity to rebel against the British Empire. It would explain how we can have such great successes and great problems. Many people feel that America has never lived up to her potential; people with ADD rarely achieve their potential.

Now, everybody in America: Take your pill, invade a nation, spend $100 million on a bridge in the middle of nowhere, cut benefits to millions of veterans, plow a hundred acres of wetland, guzzle a barrel of oil while complaining about the price, neglect alternative energy research in favor of stem cell research because Superman said so, and enjoy the fast, cheap food that is killing you. Just try to focus while doing so.

Go To College

Something I have been thinking about lately is college degrees, partly because I am about to earn mine and partly because I am noticing smart, talented people who eventually will have to pay dearly for not having one. I received some college credit for training I received in the Marine Corps, but I didn't actually take a college class until Summer 1997, five years after I graduated from high school. The first class I took was Business Math at my local community college. It shows up on my transcript as an elective: I didn't learn anything important and it doesn't really count towards any degree requirement. However, I was interested in business at the time, but I knew I had a weakness in math. Taking a class I was interested in helped me make it through my first class, and getting an "A" in a class that I knew was a weakness increased my confidence. Now it is coming up on fall 2007, and I will be granted a Bachelor of Science in Management. It has been a long and eventful college career. After passing the summer course, I took a couple classes at the community college in the fall. I found it to be easy; it was so easy that I also enrolled part-time at another college: Devry. In 1998, I went to Devry full-time. However, Devry was difficult and expensive, and I got too busy with my career and dating, so I dropped out. I returned to the community college for a few semesters of the basics (Speech and History). In 1999, I started taking courses at Baker University, which had a unique program. I took classes one night a week, one class at a time, and half of the assignments were accomplished in a study group rather than individually. This was a great program, and I had a great study group. However, I got married, bought a house, changed jobs, and my ego was 100 miles wide that year. Therefore, I dropped out because I thought I was too good and too busy for Baker. In 2001, I got laid off for the second time, but this time the phone wasn't ringing no matter how many resumes I sent out. Was I being placed in the circular file due to a lack of a college degree? In 2002, once I got back to work for awhile, I began taking classes at National American University. The attraction there was that I was getting college credit for taking Microsoft and Cisco courses, which were relevant to my career. However, my finances and drinking were interfering with everything else, and I left National American before I got embarrassed. Somehow, my GPA was hanging around 3.7 through all of this, with mainly the Devry courses weighing me down. By 2005, I was getting my head screwed on straight, staying sober, watching expenses, paying off debts, and reading voraciously. It was time to get back to school and finish what I had begun. I began shopping the local degree completion programs which, in Kansas City, are many and varied. I finally decided to return to Baker University, since I perceived it to be the most prestigious and the most practical for my schedule, finances, and attention-span. I began Baker's B.S.M. program in February 2006, and we are two weeks from completing our studies. I have been with the same group the whole time, and that has made a big difference. When one of us is busy or burnt-out, the study group can help keep the momentum going. Having a built-in support group through college is indespensable. Not only that, but the program has crammed an unbelievable amount of knowledge into 18 months. I look back now and cannot believe how much you learn from experienced instructors and students. Our group has a wide range of experiences, strengths, and neurosis', which really accelerates and varies the lessons learned. Somehow, I have crammed life, career, and school together and made it work, getting straight A's for the last 18 months. Anyhow, I will soon be able to say I have that elusive degree, the lack of which has probably stunted my career. In the 10 year process of earning my degree, I got married, had two kids, worked for 8 employers, bought and maintained a house, suffered from alcoholism, got sober, suffered from depression and ADD, traveled all over the country for work and fun, and read for work, fun, and school. I dropped out for financial reasons, mental health reasons, and reasons of ego. And yet, I have found the degree attainable. I will graduate with about a 3.8 GPA, 150 credit hours, and an emphasis in International Studies. Moreover, I have honed my communication skills and discovered my passion for International Studies, especially Geo-politics. What I really want to say in this post is that if I can do it, anyone can. If you are 65 years old with little or no college credit, you can still do it. In fact, if you don't suffer from the same self-inflicted distractions that I do, you can get that degree in 4 or 5 years if you wish. If you are in your forty's or fifty's and you would rather do something else, or your future employment prospects are questionable right now, you really should consider getting started. Through my ten years of higher education, I have run into many people older than myself who were looking to secure their future, change their career, present an example to their kids, or just reach a personal goal. They realize now that they haven't saved for a long, healthy retirement. In addition, they realize that medicine and diet will allow them to work much longer than their parents did, perhaps into their seventies and eighties. They could have a whole second career in a completely different field after earning a degree. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Take a step by taking one class at your community college, and then build up the academic muscles, build up your momentum, and get a degree. If the U.S. is going to continue to be the greatest nation on the planet, we are going to need all the educated people we can get.