The Triumvirate of ADD, Depression, and Substance Abuse

You know what goes together? Chocolate and peanut butter. Orange and vanilla. Salsa and chips. Starsky and Hutch. Rain and sleep. Beach and Sun.

Unfortunately, there are some things that always go together that we would rather not: flies and dining al-fresco. November and political commercials. Donald Trump and his hair. Worst of all, for me, is the triumvirate of Attention Deficit Disorder, Depression, and Alcoholism.

When you cannot think like normal people, cannot concentrate on them, cannot work and play like them, and appear to everyone to be lazy and selfish, you tend to hear a lot of negative comments. The strongest people in the world cannot hear what we hear day after day, year after year, from so many different sources (including those that are closest to us, our parents, heroes, friends, and lovers) without losing some respect for themselves. Moreover, since "they" don't realize that we have different capabilities and methods, we often do not realize the same thing. We need to do things differently, we need to creatively find our own method of achieving the same goal. However, we keep trying the normal way, and we keep failing. Repetitive failure with no hope of progress will wear out the toughest cookie.

I am no pansy; I guess you could say I am slightly above average in "toughness", if you can measure such things. I managed 33 years with ADD, depression, and alcohol without turning into a total waste of space--I have done alright, in fact. I say above average because of what I did in the Marine Corps, a story which can never be told in its entirety. However, this ADD has had me on the ropes many times. The words and actions/inactions of people who failed to see my real problem have had me on the verge of quitting. There are many projects, goals, and ideas that I avoided for fear of failure, and that is shameful.

Let me make this more personal: when I make lists of "To Do" and "Resolutions" and fail to check off many items--in fact I sometimes lose the lists--I feel frustrated, angry, depressed, and I fight off feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. Many people have said I should "just do it", "have some discipline", "get organized", "kick myself in the ass", "remind myself constantly", "leave myself notes", etc... What they fail to realize is that there is a problem I need to deal with before: I cannot organize my thoughts they way most people can. When I walk into a messy garage with the intent to clean it up, I am quickly overwhelmed by so many thoughts, I could max out my hard drive recording them all. "Where does this go, I should build a shelf over there, I wish I had a band saw, I wonder what happened to that cable, where is my broom, did someone move my hammer, I never did finish that project, or this one, or this one, put this pile over there to figure out later, what happened top my broom again, what will I do about dinner, what if a car had a built in satellite, what if I could fly, I wonder if there are time traveler's hiding in our society, hey look: an old receipt...

You should see me on the Internet. I will sit down with one, specific, important, time-sensitive goal. I will go to one website to find the information I need. I realize that I need to bring up another web site for a little more information. That website has an interesting link, so I click it. Then I get another idea that I don't want to lose, so I open a new tab and google the new idea. We are now about 1 minute into the project, and I am already well off track. I won't catch myself for another 30 minutes, by which time I need to use the restroom and go get a soda. On the way, I start to brush a shedding dog or chase a kid or mow the lawn....oh yeah, what was I doing?

I will sit down to watch a television show that I have been waiting a week for. At the first commercial, I check to see what else is on. I find something else to hold my attention till commercial, then I am off again. In the end, I miss the show I wanted to see and don't see a whole lot of anything else. Or, an idea on the show I am watching sets off a daydream or a thought process, and I stare at the show without seeing it, lost in my thoughts. I do this often during sporting events and boring monologues.

Based on the above sequences, you can see how school can be difficult. I spent 12 years, 8 hours a day, totally frustrated and hearing negative messages about what I was not doing. In addition, I did not have a lot of supportive friendships because if you cannot think like normal people, you cannot interact normally with normal people. The friendships that I did have were intense, understanding, and loyal, but few. Therefore, the negative comments were multiplied by peers, and there was a weak support structure in place to counteract it. Star athletes who have a bad game can easily bounce back from negative comments because they have a huge support structure. Sideline daydreamers who habitually lose homework and have to be "woken from a daydream" in class do not usually get the support that would make ADD a cool problem to have.

For me and others with ADD, mental energy can ebb and flow. We may have a month where we start to get our act together, where a new habit makes the change that allows us to function. But then, we run out of that energy, or we have a sick week, or we go out of town--just about anything can knock us off stride. Organization is not only unnatural for us, it is impossible. Our thoughts, if mapped on a page, would be 100 random categories that do not all correlate to each other, are on five different levels, are asynchronous, and all of them are incomplete. If our brains are a whirlwind and out of our control, how can we be expected to keep our pens, notebooks, food, and clothing separated, let alone separate Algebra from English Literature?

Frustration, negative comments, unmet needs, unaccomplished goals, ebb and flow--how do you live a normal, happy life with such powerful forces dragging you down? I cannot prove this; I am merely speculating, but I think I subconsciously coped by developing bi-polar depression. I cannot maintain the mental energy to stay focused and organized long-term, but I can for brief bursts. Therefore, I can have my manias of high productivity alternated by my depressions, where I am unable to attempt anything.

In addition, I can self-medicate. Many ADD sufferers have "benefited" from marijuana and/or cocaine. Personally, I have always been intimidated by the idea of illegal drugs; that road seemed to lead to nowhere for me. However, alcohol is a socially accepted medicine for a great many ills. If I feel down, or if my mind is off to the races, or if I want to fit into a crowd better (or at least think I do) then alcohol was a wonder drug.

There have been studies to demonstrate a link between ADD and alcoholism, ADD and depression, Depression and Alcoholism, and bi-polar with ADD. The correlations cannot be explained, but the fact that so many people who have one of the triumvirate will often have at least one more is impossible to ignore.

Why do people with ADD so often experience substance abuse and/or depression? I think in my case that ADD came first. I don't remember having depression as a child, and I cannot be sure that I had signs of alcoholism as a child--I may have just been acting out things I had seen at home and on TV. I can be sure that there was never a time in my life that I could sit still and concentrate on one thing for any length of time unless I was hyper-focused. Not once. Ever.

There were, and are, times when I was really interested in a subject or project and could hyper-focus on it through to completion, or near completion. However, I was unable to control even that. Oftentimes, the things I hyper-focused on were out-of-synch with my life priorities. For instance, I may hyper-focus on an extra-credit project when I should have been focused on paper that would make the difference between a D and an F. This blog is a great example--I can hyper-focus on each blog post when I should be writing a paper, mowing the lawn, or working.

The point of this post is simple: ADD (and ADHD) when found in adults is often accompanied with either depression or substance abuse, and oftentimes both are present. For those of you who are looking at ADD in yourselves or someone you love, this can be an important topic to research and address. ADD is also usually accompanied by above average intelligence, creativity, and empathic sensitivity. Some fantastically productive and creative people have been alcoholics, drug addicts, manic-depressives, bi-polar depressives, and ADD-ish people. We have also been extremely destructive to ourselves and dangerous to others. Without treatment we can either achieve greatness or flame-out terribly. With treatment, it is reported that we can approach normality. This last end is my aim, and I am just getting started on the journey.

I think the question left open in my mind is: Does ADD cause the other two, vice versa, or are they completely coincidental? Your thoughts are welcome.

Go To College

Something I have been thinking about lately is college degrees, partly because I am about to earn mine and partly because I am noticing smart, talented people who eventually will have to pay dearly for not having one. I received some college credit for training I received in the Marine Corps, but I didn't actually take a college class until Summer 1997, five years after I graduated from high school. The first class I took was Business Math at my local community college. It shows up on my transcript as an elective: I didn't learn anything important and it doesn't really count towards any degree requirement. However, I was interested in business at the time, but I knew I had a weakness in math. Taking a class I was interested in helped me make it through my first class, and getting an "A" in a class that I knew was a weakness increased my confidence. Now it is coming up on fall 2007, and I will be granted a Bachelor of Science in Management. It has been a long and eventful college career. After passing the summer course, I took a couple classes at the community college in the fall. I found it to be easy; it was so easy that I also enrolled part-time at another college: Devry. In 1998, I went to Devry full-time. However, Devry was difficult and expensive, and I got too busy with my career and dating, so I dropped out. I returned to the community college for a few semesters of the basics (Speech and History). In 1999, I started taking courses at Baker University, which had a unique program. I took classes one night a week, one class at a time, and half of the assignments were accomplished in a study group rather than individually. This was a great program, and I had a great study group. However, I got married, bought a house, changed jobs, and my ego was 100 miles wide that year. Therefore, I dropped out because I thought I was too good and too busy for Baker. In 2001, I got laid off for the second time, but this time the phone wasn't ringing no matter how many resumes I sent out. Was I being placed in the circular file due to a lack of a college degree? In 2002, once I got back to work for awhile, I began taking classes at National American University. The attraction there was that I was getting college credit for taking Microsoft and Cisco courses, which were relevant to my career. However, my finances and drinking were interfering with everything else, and I left National American before I got embarrassed. Somehow, my GPA was hanging around 3.7 through all of this, with mainly the Devry courses weighing me down. By 2005, I was getting my head screwed on straight, staying sober, watching expenses, paying off debts, and reading voraciously. It was time to get back to school and finish what I had begun. I began shopping the local degree completion programs which, in Kansas City, are many and varied. I finally decided to return to Baker University, since I perceived it to be the most prestigious and the most practical for my schedule, finances, and attention-span. I began Baker's B.S.M. program in February 2006, and we are two weeks from completing our studies. I have been with the same group the whole time, and that has made a big difference. When one of us is busy or burnt-out, the study group can help keep the momentum going. Having a built-in support group through college is indespensable. Not only that, but the program has crammed an unbelievable amount of knowledge into 18 months. I look back now and cannot believe how much you learn from experienced instructors and students. Our group has a wide range of experiences, strengths, and neurosis', which really accelerates and varies the lessons learned. Somehow, I have crammed life, career, and school together and made it work, getting straight A's for the last 18 months. Anyhow, I will soon be able to say I have that elusive degree, the lack of which has probably stunted my career. In the 10 year process of earning my degree, I got married, had two kids, worked for 8 employers, bought and maintained a house, suffered from alcoholism, got sober, suffered from depression and ADD, traveled all over the country for work and fun, and read for work, fun, and school. I dropped out for financial reasons, mental health reasons, and reasons of ego. And yet, I have found the degree attainable. I will graduate with about a 3.8 GPA, 150 credit hours, and an emphasis in International Studies. Moreover, I have honed my communication skills and discovered my passion for International Studies, especially Geo-politics. What I really want to say in this post is that if I can do it, anyone can. If you are 65 years old with little or no college credit, you can still do it. In fact, if you don't suffer from the same self-inflicted distractions that I do, you can get that degree in 4 or 5 years if you wish. If you are in your forty's or fifty's and you would rather do something else, or your future employment prospects are questionable right now, you really should consider getting started. Through my ten years of higher education, I have run into many people older than myself who were looking to secure their future, change their career, present an example to their kids, or just reach a personal goal. They realize now that they haven't saved for a long, healthy retirement. In addition, they realize that medicine and diet will allow them to work much longer than their parents did, perhaps into their seventies and eighties. They could have a whole second career in a completely different field after earning a degree. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Take a step by taking one class at your community college, and then build up the academic muscles, build up your momentum, and get a degree. If the U.S. is going to continue to be the greatest nation on the planet, we are going to need all the educated people we can get.