I Did It

My life is not going perfectly. Like everyone else, I have the daily struggles and challenges: sicknesses, time demands, financial demands, traffic, worthless local sports teams, etcetera. However, it is all just white noise against the background of my smile. I can't stop being happy. I am satisfied. I am motivated. I am elevated.

I finished my degree; I can now say I am a college graduate. I say that to myself often. Finishing my degree gives me a piece of paper that proves I am at the level where I belong. Without my degree, I felt like an impostor, a commoner who snuck his way into a royal event and everyone knew he didn't belong there. For ten years, I looked forward to the day where I could say I had a degree. I know, it doesn't actually mean a lot to anyone unless I am on a job interview. Even so, it is important to me, and it has bolstered my confidence and self-image.

Another problem I have had with my self-image is not having a certification. In the IT industry/telecommunications industry, numerous companies offer a test that, once passed, certifies your skills in a specific area. In 2000, I was first introduced to the Cisco Certified Network Associate exam. My team sat through a one week course and then took the exam. We all failed; I came within a few point of passing and should have stayed with it. Most of the guys shrugged and went on with their life. A few continued to study and later passed it. I wanted to complete it, but I had life to contend with.

If you want something bad enough, you go for it. I had a pregnant wife, and I was facing my first thoughts of fatherhood in 2000. I also was working on my degree, and wanted that more. Looming over all of this was my alcoholism, which would make a strong showing in 2000. So, I say I wanted my CCNA but I admit I didn't want it bad enough.

Even with life throwing curve balls and all the changes I have experienced since 2000, I never shook off the desire for the CCNA. I studied for it on and off over the years, but there was always something else going on to distract me. I even took it again in 2005--they had updated the exam for new technologies and made it more challenging. Again, I missed it by a few points.

In 2003 I accepted a position with my current employer. Soon after that, the company began to encourage all Field Engineers to earn their CCNA. Two of my bosses earned their certificate. Several co-workers earned theirs. I studied on and off, but there was always something else to throw me off.

In September of this year, I was a free man. I had the college degree I had always wanted. I was now able to focus on my CCNA. I chose to take an accelerated course at the local community college to help me along. When it ended in mid-October, I was free to focus daily on my existing weaknesses. I could taste the certification; I was finally to a point where I could accept nothing less.

Of course, being free of alcohol was a big boost this time. Now that I am a seasoned father and husband, I had a better conception of balancing work, family, and study. Treating my ADD has been a tremendous boost.

However, the difference maker was my attitude. I wanted my CCNA, I knew I could pass the test, I knew how to get there, and I would not accept anything less. I was going to spend every penny I could earn or borrow and I would spend every second I could until that certification was mine.

You can either take one 65 question test that covers all of the material or two smaller tests that break it up. At first, I thought that the two exam option was the way to go. As I mentioned in my previous post, I passed the first of the two. The following Monday, I failed the second one (by only a few points, as always.)

Cisco will not allow you to take the same exam more than once in a five day period. I came so close and felt so good when I failed on Monday that I told people I "smelled blood in the water." Therefore, I decided to take a chance on the one big exam, rather than wait five days to take the second-half exam again. So the night that I failed, I went home and signed up online for a Tuesday morning exam of the one-test CCNA exam option. I studied that night some more, brushed up a little in the morning, and headed on to the exam location.

The large exam was hard, hard, hard. I knew I screwed one or two questions early on. The exam was so hard, I could never get that dominant, confident feeling that I had when I passed the first-half exam.

The exam is all on a computer, and it scores your exam immediately after you finish. You click "next" through all the questions and when you get to the last question, there are two clicks to get to the pass/fail screen. Those two clicks take forever (in my mind) and are one of those dramatic moments that slow your heart and make your clicking finger heavy.

As it turned out, I passed. I did well, in fact. All my negative feelings were for naught. I walked out of the testing site without touching the ground.

It is amazing how it changed me on the inside. I am now untouchable. I have gained confidence about my future. I know that no matter what else goes on, my career is onward and upward from here.

Moreover, I unexpectedly lost a dependency on my job that I didn't know I had. I have held the title of Engineer for six years now and have ten years in the industry, I have a decent list of skills and experiences, and I have a network of friends and colleagues that has helped me out in the past. I have been laid off three times and always landed on my feet with another great job.

I now realize that I had this underlying dependency on my current job. I had a feeling that I needed it, that without this job I would have a chasm in my life. I have always known that this is just a temporary stop, and that my goal is much higher and broader than where I am now, but there was this unexplainable dependency in me that was lifted last week.

I attained my CCNA on October 30th. Since then, I have a new feeling. I feel free. I can study anything I am curious about without feeling like I am being distracted from something more important. I can set new goals, and set them higher than before. Most of all, I can leave this job. I don't have any immediate plans, and there is not a compelling reason for me to leave. I just have this new feeling that I can if I want to.

Janis Joplin sang that freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. I wish she could have know the freedom that I feel now. It has nothing to do with losing. It is more like I have been climbing a mountain for a long time, and now I am at the summit, free to look around, rest, or set my sights on new mountains. Now that I know the feeling at the summit, I want to climb another mountain.

An Organized Van

I am almost finished organizing my van. I have kept it clean and in order for several weeks now, and I think I can do so indefinitely thanks to some new, easy systems and Adderall.

I spend more time in my van than almost anywhere else due to my job. Therefore, keeping clean and organized not only makes me more effective and efficient, it makes me feel better to ride in a van, rather than a rat's nest.

Here is the "before" shot of the passenger side, which has been the normal state of my van for the last 4.5 years that I have held this job:

I added a trash can with a bag that I empty often--it is easy to do and makes the van so much better to look at. The trash can alone is a tremendous difference-maker. However, I am also making sure to empty my van of boxes and parts that I do not need to keep in there on a daily basis if possible. One thing I never do anymore is to throw something in just to get it out of my hand and out of my mind. I think about what it is and place it in a logical place to be dealt with one more time when I get back to my office.

This is how my van has looked for almost a month:

Where the trash can is now, last month there was a basket in its place. This is a Dodge Caravan, and Dodge includes this webbing to place between the seats as a basket to hold items in place. I would fill it with parts, tools, papers, pens, gum, cd's, books, and anything else that I no longer wanted to hold in my hand. I think Jimmy Hoffa was at the bottom of the pile. The "catch-all" is not a good idea in my van, and it is gone.

As I said, I have had this job for 4.5 years. The box below has been in my van the entire time; I inherited it from the last engineer. It has always looked like this:

When I put the lid on it, it is not so bad to look at, stacked with several other containers. However, if I need a part that would be kept in this box, I have a lot of digging to do. Oftentimes, it takes two or three passes to find a tiny and rarely used part in this box. It never occurred to me to organize this box any differently. Before Adderall, my brain was probably incapable of viewing this situation differently. However, yesterday I had the bright idea of making it look like this:

You may say, "Duh." I say, "Wow." It was an "Ah-ha!" moment for me, and I am really excited to try it out in the field.

This new system will keep the parts from being damaged in storage, it will look better, make it easier to find what I need, and help me keep a more accurate inventory.

I had no idea that containers and labels could make me feel better than drugs, sex, or cheesecake.

Engery

I drive about 50,000 miles a year for my job. I cover a territory from Junction City, Kansas to Columbia, MO (west to east), and from Bethany, MO to Pine Bluff, MO (north to south). I see a lot of things while I am driving that make me chuckle or laugh out loud, either because they are really funny or because I am overly bored. I see some things that no one will ever believe. I forget about some of the weird things I see, and never get to share them. I always wish that I would keep a digital camera with me when I am driving.

 

Last week, I happened to have my digital camera with me when I passed a sign. I am pretty good at catching other people's spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors--I wish I caught my own errors as well as I catch other people's. I see them all the time, and they are usually honest mistakes. The main reason that I am posting this is because I finally had a camera and a few minutes when I wished I had one.

 

I am also posting this to make fun of K-State because I am a KU fan. This sign is on KS 24 in Manhattan, KS, just miles away from Kansas State University (which apparently needs to focus on their English department as much as their football program). I think they want you to come in and get some energy, but they were too tired to check their spelling. Perhaps the person responsible has ADD, and I am being really insensitive right now. For whatever it is worth, here is the sign:

The Organization Challenge (with photos)

How am I supposed to get anything done when the places that I work in are cluttered, messy, piled up, scattered, stacked, neglected, and downright disorganized? I used to say that it was just my way, that I couldn't work any other way, and other rationalizations. Any head-shrinker will tell you that one of the most common symtpoms of ADD is disorganization, lots of piles of junk that move around, but never really diminish.

However, the fact of the matter is that no human being should live a cluttered life. I am no longer living like this. I could find reasons to blame my clutter, but it doesn't make me any better.

At least once a year, I kick myself in the pants and get something uncluttered. It takes weeks, it is painful and exhausting, but I do it anyway. Sometimes it is the garage, sometimes my van, sometimes my office. Once the space is uncluttered, I am so much happier and productive--it's like a drug.

Within a month, I have undone the program and I am living the cluttered life again. It takes place slowly, and there is always a great reason for it (a busy week, bad weather, sickness, the usual...), but eventually I am a messy, unproductive slob again. In fact, I was a slob all along, I was just a neater slob for a while.

I have tried many different approaches. Notes, bins, shelves, file folders, reminders, rewards, punishments. This has been an ongoing cycle since early childhood. My four-year-old son is like this, by the way, so it may be genetic. There is something inside of me that causes this, that either desires this clutter or cannot muster up the resources to remain organized.

I am less productive at work. I lose things, I procrastinate, and I take longer to complete projects do to my clutter. I am less productive at home. My wife, who tries to keep the rest of the house in order, hates the clutter and sometimes takes it upon herself to clean up the junk. That is not fair to her. My clutter also affects my kids: the sight of clutter may depress or demotivate them, and it sets a bad example for them.

Therefore, I have begun the Organizational Challenge. By September 30th, I will have cleaned up my van, my garage, and my basement (to include my office). On October 30th, I will have kept these areas in an organized state. By November 30th, I will have blown away any record in my life at staying clean and organized. By December 30th, I will be like a new man. If these areas stay organized into 2008, then there is no telling what I will be able to accomplish in the new year. Maybe I'll run for president, since the Republicans have offered up nothing exciting and the Democrats are determined to get their heart broken by another Clinton.

This link goes to my "before" photos. I will update the album (and my blog) when progress has been made. I would really like to see some comments or emails with some strategies on how I could best get my arms around this problem (without propellants or explosives). If this is a problem you have, and you would like to participate or compete, please email me at lslobodzian@gmail.com

Three Thoughts On A Friday Morning

Last night, I finished my second-to-last class as an undergraduate. Next Thursday will complete my last required class for my degree. This has been a goal of mine for over ten years. Actually, I always envisioned myself with a college degree, but it barely seemed possible as I struggled through high school. I began to consider it possible while I served in the Marines and was compelled to read and learn by an internal force. I took my first undergraduate course in 1997.

Here I am in 2007, with one week to go, and I am not excited. It seems like another week to me. Maybe it hasn't sunken in. Maybe I have a background depression that I haven't fully perceived yet. Maybe, subconsciously, I am reserving myself for the big night. I would expect that I would be uncontainable, like a kid on Christmas Eve, but I am completely unfeeling about it.

Of course, I am already enrolled at the local community college in the fall semester for a technical course. And I intend to remain in good standing at Johnson County Community College to learn everything they can teach me about computer science and the Russian language. Eventually, I'd like to pass the hard classes like Calculus and Physics there, just as a personal goal. In addition, I will begin my graduate work next fall at KU. Therefore, perhaps in light of the above facts, I am incapable of viewing this as any kind of "last class".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~I Like Tildes, but I don't know why.~~~~~~~~~

A word about ADD and medication. I have been prescribed Adderall to treat my ADD. It is supposed to help me focus so I can implement new life strategies and structures to provide some level of normality and improve my productivity (and lessen my negative impact on the people around me.)

I took my first dose Tuesday, and I could see a positive difference. It is not a miracle drug, but I didn't expect it to be. I could foresee it being a positive influence, though.

I took a second dose on Wednesday morning. On Tuesday, I chased the Adderall with 10 ounces of "Diet Coke Plus"(half of the previous day's unfinished 20 oz. bottle). On Wednesday I avoided caffeine in the morning, thinking that two stimulants in one body is probably too much. I developed a head-ache that morning that almost took me to my knees. I started popping 2 or three ibuprofen every hour for most of the day, but the pain never really subsided. I also started taking in caffeine, in soda form. At some point, I realized I had way too much ibuprofen in my system, so I quit. I went to bed that night still feeling the pain.

I don't know if the headache was caused by lack of caffeine (a known withdrawal symptom) or by the Adderall (a reported side-effect). I do know that trying to focus on anything in that much pain is impossible. Wednesday sucked, despite my best efforts.

Thursday morning, I awoke early. The headache was gone, and I felt great. I took a Diet Pepsi Max (extra caffeine, plus ginseng) with me to my home office for some early morning work. Yes, I like coffee and tea, but I do not crave hot beverages in summer--another adorable quirk. After an hour of productivity, I headed upstairs to eat, take my medicine, shower, and get out the door.

So I go to the cabinet that contains a shake mix (GNC's Mega-Men: vitamins, minerals, and protein) and my Adderall. In my head, I am playing a song ("Going Down the Road Feelin' Bad" by Grateful Dead), I am planning my morning (shake, banana, pill, water, maybe an apple, maybe an egg), I am planning my day (I have to be at one customer by 8am, I need to get to Manhattan, KS by noon and leave by 3 to make my 6pm class), and I am listening for signs of life from my family. Typical morning.

I thought about grabbing my Adderall first and dry swallowing it just to check that off the list and remove one of the balls I had to juggle. I also considered washing it down with my shake. Or taking it with some of the quart of water I was forcing down to start the day hydrated. I was pulling ingredients out of cabinets and refridgerators, locating glasses and spoons, feeding dogs, and I don't know what else. I am a chaotic whirlwind.

At some point, I lost track of whether I actually took my Adderall or not. I had a vague feeling I did, but not a reliable memory of it. I had no idea, and no way to recall the last three minutes.

And that is my ADD in a nutshell, folks. I could not focus on any one task long enough to complete it reliably. For those keeping score at home, Larry's ADD was so bad on Thursday that he wasn't sure of he took his ADD medicine.

If I can't remember if I ate breakfast, I can look in the trash can and sink to find evidence. Plus, there is usually a full feeling in the stomach to go by. I could always just eat breakfast again, why not? But you cannot take two Adderalls (amphetamines; stimulant; controlled substance) in one day. It has been done before, but not by respectable people. I had no way of knowing if I took it until it took effect 30-45 minutes later, by which time I would be out the door and on the job.

I could have counted them, done some math, and if there were 27 pills in the jar, I would have known that I hadn't taken it. However, I did not have that clarity of thought at the time. So I left without it. For the last 34 years, I have lived without Adderall, so I can go another day without it; no big deal. Somewhere between Lawrence and Topeka, I finally determined that I had not taken my Adderall that day.

On my way home last night, I purchased a 7-pill container, one with a compartment for every day of the week. It looks like the one your grandma kept next to her sink, full of nitroglycerin and whatever else Grandmas take. My plan is to put one pill in each compartment for the days of the week. That way, I know that if today is "F", and the compartment for "F" is empty, then I took my medicine like a good boy. Today, there is a pill for "F" and the "S" on the far right. On Saturday morning, I plan to take that last "S". I will then realize the container is completely empty, and repopulate the compartments with pills. It'll be a Saturday morning ritual I can focus on. I hope.

Isn't there a pill I can take that helps me remember to take my pills? Not yet, but it is coming. And that is what makes America great.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One more thing. I am continuing to listen to the audiobook for "Driven to Distraction" by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and John Ratey, M.D. Right now, they are discussing "Pseudo ADD" and the argument that ADD is over-prescribed. They address how ADD occurs more in the U.S. than anywhere else. You cannot blame it solely on our culture; otherwise, Tokyo and Shanghai would have us beat by a mile.

The doctors offer up a plausible theory: assuming ADD is genetic, which it appears to be, then it could be argued that America was founded and stocked by more ADD-carrying people than other nations. Some of the hallmarks for ADD are impulsivity, restlessness, terminal boredom leading to a need for bigger and better, and a willingness to risk all on a new stimulation.

This would describe many of the people who took the risk in coming here. It describes the reason why many people were chased out of their homeland. It would explain why we would have the audacity to rebel against the British Empire. It would explain how we can have such great successes and great problems. Many people feel that America has never lived up to her potential; people with ADD rarely achieve their potential.

Now, everybody in America: Take your pill, invade a nation, spend $100 million on a bridge in the middle of nowhere, cut benefits to millions of veterans, plow a hundred acres of wetland, guzzle a barrel of oil while complaining about the price, neglect alternative energy research in favor of stem cell research because Superman said so, and enjoy the fast, cheap food that is killing you. Just try to focus while doing so.

The Triumvirate of ADD, Depression, and Substance Abuse

You know what goes together? Chocolate and peanut butter. Orange and vanilla. Salsa and chips. Starsky and Hutch. Rain and sleep. Beach and Sun.

Unfortunately, there are some things that always go together that we would rather not: flies and dining al-fresco. November and political commercials. Donald Trump and his hair. Worst of all, for me, is the triumvirate of Attention Deficit Disorder, Depression, and Alcoholism.

When you cannot think like normal people, cannot concentrate on them, cannot work and play like them, and appear to everyone to be lazy and selfish, you tend to hear a lot of negative comments. The strongest people in the world cannot hear what we hear day after day, year after year, from so many different sources (including those that are closest to us, our parents, heroes, friends, and lovers) without losing some respect for themselves. Moreover, since "they" don't realize that we have different capabilities and methods, we often do not realize the same thing. We need to do things differently, we need to creatively find our own method of achieving the same goal. However, we keep trying the normal way, and we keep failing. Repetitive failure with no hope of progress will wear out the toughest cookie.

I am no pansy; I guess you could say I am slightly above average in "toughness", if you can measure such things. I managed 33 years with ADD, depression, and alcohol without turning into a total waste of space--I have done alright, in fact. I say above average because of what I did in the Marine Corps, a story which can never be told in its entirety. However, this ADD has had me on the ropes many times. The words and actions/inactions of people who failed to see my real problem have had me on the verge of quitting. There are many projects, goals, and ideas that I avoided for fear of failure, and that is shameful.

Let me make this more personal: when I make lists of "To Do" and "Resolutions" and fail to check off many items--in fact I sometimes lose the lists--I feel frustrated, angry, depressed, and I fight off feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. Many people have said I should "just do it", "have some discipline", "get organized", "kick myself in the ass", "remind myself constantly", "leave myself notes", etc... What they fail to realize is that there is a problem I need to deal with before: I cannot organize my thoughts they way most people can. When I walk into a messy garage with the intent to clean it up, I am quickly overwhelmed by so many thoughts, I could max out my hard drive recording them all. "Where does this go, I should build a shelf over there, I wish I had a band saw, I wonder what happened to that cable, where is my broom, did someone move my hammer, I never did finish that project, or this one, or this one, put this pile over there to figure out later, what happened top my broom again, what will I do about dinner, what if a car had a built in satellite, what if I could fly, I wonder if there are time traveler's hiding in our society, hey look: an old receipt...

You should see me on the Internet. I will sit down with one, specific, important, time-sensitive goal. I will go to one website to find the information I need. I realize that I need to bring up another web site for a little more information. That website has an interesting link, so I click it. Then I get another idea that I don't want to lose, so I open a new tab and google the new idea. We are now about 1 minute into the project, and I am already well off track. I won't catch myself for another 30 minutes, by which time I need to use the restroom and go get a soda. On the way, I start to brush a shedding dog or chase a kid or mow the lawn....oh yeah, what was I doing?

I will sit down to watch a television show that I have been waiting a week for. At the first commercial, I check to see what else is on. I find something else to hold my attention till commercial, then I am off again. In the end, I miss the show I wanted to see and don't see a whole lot of anything else. Or, an idea on the show I am watching sets off a daydream or a thought process, and I stare at the show without seeing it, lost in my thoughts. I do this often during sporting events and boring monologues.

Based on the above sequences, you can see how school can be difficult. I spent 12 years, 8 hours a day, totally frustrated and hearing negative messages about what I was not doing. In addition, I did not have a lot of supportive friendships because if you cannot think like normal people, you cannot interact normally with normal people. The friendships that I did have were intense, understanding, and loyal, but few. Therefore, the negative comments were multiplied by peers, and there was a weak support structure in place to counteract it. Star athletes who have a bad game can easily bounce back from negative comments because they have a huge support structure. Sideline daydreamers who habitually lose homework and have to be "woken from a daydream" in class do not usually get the support that would make ADD a cool problem to have.

For me and others with ADD, mental energy can ebb and flow. We may have a month where we start to get our act together, where a new habit makes the change that allows us to function. But then, we run out of that energy, or we have a sick week, or we go out of town--just about anything can knock us off stride. Organization is not only unnatural for us, it is impossible. Our thoughts, if mapped on a page, would be 100 random categories that do not all correlate to each other, are on five different levels, are asynchronous, and all of them are incomplete. If our brains are a whirlwind and out of our control, how can we be expected to keep our pens, notebooks, food, and clothing separated, let alone separate Algebra from English Literature?

Frustration, negative comments, unmet needs, unaccomplished goals, ebb and flow--how do you live a normal, happy life with such powerful forces dragging you down? I cannot prove this; I am merely speculating, but I think I subconsciously coped by developing bi-polar depression. I cannot maintain the mental energy to stay focused and organized long-term, but I can for brief bursts. Therefore, I can have my manias of high productivity alternated by my depressions, where I am unable to attempt anything.

In addition, I can self-medicate. Many ADD sufferers have "benefited" from marijuana and/or cocaine. Personally, I have always been intimidated by the idea of illegal drugs; that road seemed to lead to nowhere for me. However, alcohol is a socially accepted medicine for a great many ills. If I feel down, or if my mind is off to the races, or if I want to fit into a crowd better (or at least think I do) then alcohol was a wonder drug.

There have been studies to demonstrate a link between ADD and alcoholism, ADD and depression, Depression and Alcoholism, and bi-polar with ADD. The correlations cannot be explained, but the fact that so many people who have one of the triumvirate will often have at least one more is impossible to ignore.

Why do people with ADD so often experience substance abuse and/or depression? I think in my case that ADD came first. I don't remember having depression as a child, and I cannot be sure that I had signs of alcoholism as a child--I may have just been acting out things I had seen at home and on TV. I can be sure that there was never a time in my life that I could sit still and concentrate on one thing for any length of time unless I was hyper-focused. Not once. Ever.

There were, and are, times when I was really interested in a subject or project and could hyper-focus on it through to completion, or near completion. However, I was unable to control even that. Oftentimes, the things I hyper-focused on were out-of-synch with my life priorities. For instance, I may hyper-focus on an extra-credit project when I should have been focused on paper that would make the difference between a D and an F. This blog is a great example--I can hyper-focus on each blog post when I should be writing a paper, mowing the lawn, or working.

The point of this post is simple: ADD (and ADHD) when found in adults is often accompanied with either depression or substance abuse, and oftentimes both are present. For those of you who are looking at ADD in yourselves or someone you love, this can be an important topic to research and address. ADD is also usually accompanied by above average intelligence, creativity, and empathic sensitivity. Some fantastically productive and creative people have been alcoholics, drug addicts, manic-depressives, bi-polar depressives, and ADD-ish people. We have also been extremely destructive to ourselves and dangerous to others. Without treatment we can either achieve greatness or flame-out terribly. With treatment, it is reported that we can approach normality. This last end is my aim, and I am just getting started on the journey.

I think the question left open in my mind is: Does ADD cause the other two, vice versa, or are they completely coincidental? Your thoughts are welcome.

Strattera Is Bad (for Me)

I really do not want to turn this blog into a discussion of neurosis and social problems. However, I do want to make my voice heard on a few subjects that are near and dear to my heart. Therefore, today I would like to talk to you about Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).

Growing up in the 1980's and early 90's, ADD was known but not really understood well. You basically had to stab somebody or fling poo at the teacher to be diagnosed as ADD; there was nothing moderate about it. People with ADD were separated from the population, were dangerous, were not to be trusted, and had a bleak future awaiting them.

Meanwhile, those of us who could cope with society and squeak by in our schoolwork were told we were lazy, undisciplined, daydreamers, disorganized, etc... We had many of the same symptoms as our ape-like counterparts on Ritalin, but we weren't extreme enough or dangerous enough to justify the attention and thought necessary for the authorities and parents to realize that we, too, had something different about our brains that prevented us from being normal.

When I was a little kid, I was messy and disorganized. My room was always scattered with toys. My mom would send me in there and tell me to clean it up. She would watch me pick up a toy or two, and then I was off to la-la-land. She would often have to supervise the entire room-cleaning from start to finish, sometimes grabbing my hand and leading it to the next toy because I was not doing it myself. She thought I was unwilling to pick up the toy--I think I was unable to connect the neurons that would allow me to select the next toy, figure out what it was, and figure out where to put it. I had too many other thoughts going on at the same time to tune in on the "cleaning" messages.

It would anger and frustrate my parents that I was not doing what I was told. They assumed I was being obstinate. However, that is way out of character for me. I was always a fairly obedient and nice kid, always eager to please authorities. I still am, by and large, though I have developed my moments of disobedience when I think I am right.

I have never had a lot of focus. My life is a long list of half-completed projects, half-read books, movies I have never finished, etc... I cannot watch an entire TV show: I either turn the channel often or I get up and find something else to do. I am usually doing something else when I watch TV anyway.

I have read the first third or half of many books, and been unable to finish them due to my inability to read one more word--even if I had a gun to my head.

How many times have people had to repeat what they said to me, for no other reason than my thoughts were louder than the speaker's voice? How many times have I set out to organize a room and given up after a minute because I found something else more interesting or I am simply overwhelmed with the task? How often have I put off seemingly simple tasks because I just couldn't figure out where to start? Or have left simple projects uncompleted because I could not focus on them for one more second?

Sometimes I am hyper-focused. I can get into washing the dishes, reading a good book, writing a paper, or playing a computer game to the extent that I will sacrifice my family, my eating, my hygiene, everything. If I am hyper-focused on something and the house catches fire, I would probably be unable to save my life.

I have discipline. I made it through 4 years of Marine Corps Active Duty, I have quit smoking and drinking, I have avoided drugs all around me, etc... If I HAVE to do something, I can somehow gather up the resources to accomplish it 99% of the time. However, I have found that there are precious few things I ever actually HAVE to do.

I have energy. I have more energy than I need. When I am excited about something, I will focus enough energy on that something to power the world for a year.

I have intelligence. I can understand the concepts that I study, I have a large vocabulary, and I have always tested above average in most subjects (except math). However, I have never been able to read a text book without zoning out (skipping it altogether). After 10 years, I am finally finishing my Bachelor's degree. I have only read what I had to read to get the grade, and I have a 3.8 GPA. When I am reading an article or book that is interesting, I get every word of it, synthesize, remember, and all the other hallmarks of intelligence. However, if it is not immediately interesting or relevant, I cannot recall a page I read 5 minutes ago, no matter what I try.

I once thought that ADD was either a disease for weird, troubled people or was over-diagnosed in kids who needed a spanking more than a pill. I am now reconsidering those thoughts as I read more about ADD and re-examine my life. I now realize that I have suffered from a moderate form of ADD my whole life. It was bad enough to slow me down, but I was functional enough that I never required a diagnosis.

What would I be able to accomplish academically if I could focus on the required readings? What could I accomplish personally if my office, van, garage, and bedroom were not constantly cluttered and disarrayed? If I lost my stuff less often, I would have more serenity as well as productivity. Currently, I have times where I duck phone calls and emails because they are too much for my whirlwind mind to focus on. Then I have to go back later and apologize, put out fires, and waste valuable time. I think that if I could focus on one thing at a time, when I needed to, my whole life would be different.

I have been thinking about this for several weeks. I don't want to be labeled as ADD. I don't want you or anyone else to know I am ADD. I am not even sure I am ADD; maybe I am just lazy and careless. The best way to know for sure is to see a Psychiatrist. I am not ready for that stigma. Therefore, the next best thing is to see your Primary Care Physician.

I went to see my Doctor on Monday. I explained to her what I have now explained to you, and added the fact that my 4-year old son appears to have similar problems. She agreed that it sounds like ADD. She doesn't like to start with stimulants, so she suggested I start on Strattera. My initial readings on ADD treatment led me to the same conclusion, so I was in full agreement.

She sent me home with free samples. I was to take 18mg for a week, then 25mg, then 40 mg, then go back and see her. I took my first one on the way home, and didn't really feel all that different Monday.

Tuesday, I felt like I was on too much caffeine, even though I had only one soda that morning. That afternoon, I crashed. I couldn't think straight, and I didn't care about anything. My appetite was decreased; I had to force myself to eat.

Wednesday sucked. I didn't want to do anything all day, but I had to work. I procrastinated, I put things off, and I spent most of the day confused and groggy. I took in a lot of caffeine just to stay barely functional.

Thursday was more of the same. However, I had to visit clients and in order to do so, I had to drive about 500 miles round trip. I have no idea how I did it. I normally would enjoy audiobooks and music, but I drove most of the time in a groggy silence. That night, I was alone with the kids. I could barely force myself to really pay attention to them. I took them out to my favorite restaurant, but I hardly ate anything. We went to the park to distract them from my lethargy. I don't think they noticed, but I felt like a bad father the whole night.

I took another 18mg of Strattera this morning. I am really moody: I have punched my desk twice for silly reasons. I am saying stupid things out loud--thank goodness I am not on the phone or in front of customers. I haven't eaten since last night, nor do I want to. I feel lethargic, I could care less about anything right now. I am not suicidal, but I doubt my survival instinct would kick in if I really needed it. I cannot face the idea of leaving my house for any reason. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to play a game. I don't want to go to bed. If a dancing, nude, beautiful woman were with me right now, I would ask to be left alone. I can only focus on this blog post right now because it is channeling all this negative emotion inside of me.

My doctor had no idea that this would happen, so I can hardly blame her. What I am experiencing is partially the advertised side affects, and partially the little known dark side of Strattera. I have been surfing around this morning and found a lot of negative comments on Strattera. There isn't a lot of science to describe my lethargy, but there is a ton of anecdotal evidence out there. Some people take this drug and it is a miracle. Some take it and nothing happens. But many have taken it at higher doses than me and seen their world fall apart. Thank god I am only on the baby dose.

Strattera may be some people's miracle drug. However, it is the worst thing that has happened to me in a long time. If I were already suicidal, this would have pushed me over the edge. If I were a poor employee, this would get me fired. If I did not have a supportive family and an easy job, I never would have made it through 5 days. Strattera sucks. The Ritalin's and Adderall's have been out for so long and have been so effective for so many people, why would I waste my time on this crap? A low dose of Strattera after five days has already put me in a position where I could do long-term damage to my career and relationships. This crap should not be on the market. Thanks Eli Lilly, you sons-of-bitches.