The Benefits of Gratitude

I am thankful for Deborah Norville and her book "Thank You Power: Making the Science of Gratitude Work for You". No, I am not aiming to be funny when I say I am thankful for a book on gratitude. I am sincerely thankful that I knew who she was (I remembered her from the local news in Chicago as I was cutting my news-junkie teeth), that my eye is drawn to striking blondes (she gets prettier every year), that I was open to this message, and that the message is relevant to me right now. This book is elevating my level of happiness while it raises my potential prosperity and makes dramatic improvements in my family. For all of that, I am truly thankful.

This blog entry is not a book report. In fact, I don't really need to read the book; I know all I need to know about saying thank you. What Deb's book does for me is awaken forgotten knowledge, and guides my thoughts into channels that help me apply the knowledge I already possess.

My parents taught me gratitude. They forced it down my throat, as all parents do...and should. When I learned to talk, one of the first phrases I had to learn was "thank you". That came right after the word "please". I remember my parents handing me the object of my desire but not releasing it to me until I said "thank you". Soon, I learned to say "thank you" so easily that I could do so without sincerity, I could thank without thought.

Now I can say thanks 1000 times a day. I rarely mean it, but I often say it. When the fast-food employee who visually disgusts me and took too long to fill my order (and probably screwed up the "no onions' and "no ice") hands me a rumpled bag of greasy, overpriced artery-clogging "food", I always say thank you. Why? I am not truly thankful; in fact, if it was up to me that person would be on a diet and in college, the food would be more carefully prepared and lower in fat/sodium/volume, and the price would be lower. I am not thankful for eating fast-food, I do it out of necessity and reluctance. However, I habitually say thanks.

On the other hand, when my wife buys me something at the store, I complain that it is the wrong brand, size, or flavor. I am thankful that she thought of me, but I complain because she did not completely satisfy my desire. That is freakin' stupid. Why in the hell would she want to do anything nice for me if I complain rather than thank. Here I am, slightly thankful for the effort but all I express is ingratitude. I am an idiot.

What a jerk I have been, yet all along I compared myself to really scummy jerks and think that I am a prince in comparison. Truth: I am a pretty good guy. I have good manners and a reasonable temperament. However, the times that I am ungrateful are too often and they are a major drain on my relationships. They are a drain on my happiness. They are a drain on my energy. If I could cut my ungrateful moments by just 10%, I would be living a completely new life. If I continued to increase the margin, who knows what potential riches and happiness I may find.

Here's the thing: when I say "thank you" sincerely, I have sent a message to that person. If they are listening, they now know what I like, that they will be recognized for their efforts, and that I will likely return the favor one day. Therefore, they will be more likely to do me another favor.

On the other hand, if someone does something nice for me and hears either complaints or silence, then they realize that their efforts are wasted on me. Furthermore, they may believe that doing me a favor is unethical; it would simply enable me to believe that my ingratitude is okay and my egomania is justified. They will deny me favors to prevent the monster from growing.

I have this feeling that I am way below where I could be in my career, education, and status. Part of the reason is because I have been hindered more often than I have been helped along the way. I have yet to find a mentor that really helps me along and reveals what I need to know in order to succeed. More often, I find people who hate me for no reason and they prevent me from feeling good, earning accolades, or getting promoted.

I think that the greatest obstacle to my success has been my ingratitude and sense of entitlement. I have always felt like I deserved better. People picked up on that and either withheld favors to avoid my ingratitude or set out to humble me and teach me gratitude. I always felt like I wasn't getting what I deserved; now I know that I am, in fact, getting exactly what I deserved.

Nothing reveals my ingratitude like adversity. As soon as life takes a turn, I am blaming and throwing a tantrum, rather than being thankful for what I have. When life is not going well, all I can think about is what I think I should have, what I think other people have, and how I should have something better. I think that I am better than other people, so I should have more than them. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Adversity should be an opportunity for me to count my blessings. I am a lucky man. If I never receive another thing in my life and live for another 100 years, that will be alright; I have received enough already for 200 years.

I hate my job. Not always, sometimes I "kinda" like my job but wish I was doing something else. I always have this sense that I should be higher up; a privileged decision-maker raking in the big bonuses. This is not only true of my current job, it is always true of every job I have ever had.

Focusing on the negative is a crappy way to live. it drags me down. I makes it harder to go in to work, and it prevents me from enjoying my day. From a self-centered, short-sited perspective alone, ingratitude is not beneficial.

Moreover, ingratitude sends a signal. To be more accurate, it puts out an odor. To desirable mentors or employers, I stink. They run away or conceal themselves when I approach; they do not want to waste their efforts on an ungrateful person who will trip over his own ungrateful feet.

If I can't be happy in my current job, what's to say that I will be happy in the next job? Or the next? The truth is that you are capable of creating your own happiness right where you are. People have been known to sing and laugh in concentration camps or on death beds. Happiness is inside of you, not outside. Therefore, if a hiring manager smells unhappiness, they will be repelled.

I believe that there are levels of communication that we transmit without knowing it. We pick up on communication subconsciously. We transmit and receive on levels we are not even aware of, such as through pheromones. There are probably channels of communication that we cannot detect with current instruments, we can only see their results.

Therefore, I firmly believe that your thoughts are more creative than you may realize. If you are always thinking along the lines of entitlement and ingratitude, you will communicate those thoughts on many different levels. You can try to cover up your rude and selfish nature, but it will be perceived by people all the same.

By thinking such thoughts, you repel good things from being offered to you. People who possess good things to give will avoid your ungrateful odor like the plague that it is. People who are unable to avoid you (family, etc.) will withhold their best gifts because they do not want to waste their effort and they do not want to encourage your piggish behavior.

I know this to be true. I can see the principle of ingratitude at work in my own life. I have also seen how my moments of gratitude have benefited me. I have seen truly grateful people get more than they asked for. I am sure that the principle of gratitude works even better than ingratitude.

Therefore, I am declaring myself a scientist, researching the principle of gratitude. I am the subject of my research. My life before now is the control, my life going forward is the experiement. I will begin to think thoughts of thanks. I will strive to find new things to be thankful for. I will strive to find more ways to express my gratitude.

This experiement will continue through December 20, 2008. After that day, if I do not notice a remarkable leap of happiness and prosperity, I will conclude that excessive gratitude is a waste of effort and a farce; I will return to my normal level of cynicism, depression, and frustration.

My hypothesis, however, is that I will be a completely different man on December 21, 2008. I will be happier. I will have more good things in my life. Even if I suffer tragedy and loss, through gratitude I will attract good things to compensate. Really, how can I go wrong with gratitude in all things?