Strattera Is Bad (for Me)

I really do not want to turn this blog into a discussion of neurosis and social problems. However, I do want to make my voice heard on a few subjects that are near and dear to my heart. Therefore, today I would like to talk to you about Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).

Growing up in the 1980's and early 90's, ADD was known but not really understood well. You basically had to stab somebody or fling poo at the teacher to be diagnosed as ADD; there was nothing moderate about it. People with ADD were separated from the population, were dangerous, were not to be trusted, and had a bleak future awaiting them.

Meanwhile, those of us who could cope with society and squeak by in our schoolwork were told we were lazy, undisciplined, daydreamers, disorganized, etc... We had many of the same symptoms as our ape-like counterparts on Ritalin, but we weren't extreme enough or dangerous enough to justify the attention and thought necessary for the authorities and parents to realize that we, too, had something different about our brains that prevented us from being normal.

When I was a little kid, I was messy and disorganized. My room was always scattered with toys. My mom would send me in there and tell me to clean it up. She would watch me pick up a toy or two, and then I was off to la-la-land. She would often have to supervise the entire room-cleaning from start to finish, sometimes grabbing my hand and leading it to the next toy because I was not doing it myself. She thought I was unwilling to pick up the toy--I think I was unable to connect the neurons that would allow me to select the next toy, figure out what it was, and figure out where to put it. I had too many other thoughts going on at the same time to tune in on the "cleaning" messages.

It would anger and frustrate my parents that I was not doing what I was told. They assumed I was being obstinate. However, that is way out of character for me. I was always a fairly obedient and nice kid, always eager to please authorities. I still am, by and large, though I have developed my moments of disobedience when I think I am right.

I have never had a lot of focus. My life is a long list of half-completed projects, half-read books, movies I have never finished, etc... I cannot watch an entire TV show: I either turn the channel often or I get up and find something else to do. I am usually doing something else when I watch TV anyway.

I have read the first third or half of many books, and been unable to finish them due to my inability to read one more word--even if I had a gun to my head.

How many times have people had to repeat what they said to me, for no other reason than my thoughts were louder than the speaker's voice? How many times have I set out to organize a room and given up after a minute because I found something else more interesting or I am simply overwhelmed with the task? How often have I put off seemingly simple tasks because I just couldn't figure out where to start? Or have left simple projects uncompleted because I could not focus on them for one more second?

Sometimes I am hyper-focused. I can get into washing the dishes, reading a good book, writing a paper, or playing a computer game to the extent that I will sacrifice my family, my eating, my hygiene, everything. If I am hyper-focused on something and the house catches fire, I would probably be unable to save my life.

I have discipline. I made it through 4 years of Marine Corps Active Duty, I have quit smoking and drinking, I have avoided drugs all around me, etc... If I HAVE to do something, I can somehow gather up the resources to accomplish it 99% of the time. However, I have found that there are precious few things I ever actually HAVE to do.

I have energy. I have more energy than I need. When I am excited about something, I will focus enough energy on that something to power the world for a year.

I have intelligence. I can understand the concepts that I study, I have a large vocabulary, and I have always tested above average in most subjects (except math). However, I have never been able to read a text book without zoning out (skipping it altogether). After 10 years, I am finally finishing my Bachelor's degree. I have only read what I had to read to get the grade, and I have a 3.8 GPA. When I am reading an article or book that is interesting, I get every word of it, synthesize, remember, and all the other hallmarks of intelligence. However, if it is not immediately interesting or relevant, I cannot recall a page I read 5 minutes ago, no matter what I try.

I once thought that ADD was either a disease for weird, troubled people or was over-diagnosed in kids who needed a spanking more than a pill. I am now reconsidering those thoughts as I read more about ADD and re-examine my life. I now realize that I have suffered from a moderate form of ADD my whole life. It was bad enough to slow me down, but I was functional enough that I never required a diagnosis.

What would I be able to accomplish academically if I could focus on the required readings? What could I accomplish personally if my office, van, garage, and bedroom were not constantly cluttered and disarrayed? If I lost my stuff less often, I would have more serenity as well as productivity. Currently, I have times where I duck phone calls and emails because they are too much for my whirlwind mind to focus on. Then I have to go back later and apologize, put out fires, and waste valuable time. I think that if I could focus on one thing at a time, when I needed to, my whole life would be different.

I have been thinking about this for several weeks. I don't want to be labeled as ADD. I don't want you or anyone else to know I am ADD. I am not even sure I am ADD; maybe I am just lazy and careless. The best way to know for sure is to see a Psychiatrist. I am not ready for that stigma. Therefore, the next best thing is to see your Primary Care Physician.

I went to see my Doctor on Monday. I explained to her what I have now explained to you, and added the fact that my 4-year old son appears to have similar problems. She agreed that it sounds like ADD. She doesn't like to start with stimulants, so she suggested I start on Strattera. My initial readings on ADD treatment led me to the same conclusion, so I was in full agreement.

She sent me home with free samples. I was to take 18mg for a week, then 25mg, then 40 mg, then go back and see her. I took my first one on the way home, and didn't really feel all that different Monday.

Tuesday, I felt like I was on too much caffeine, even though I had only one soda that morning. That afternoon, I crashed. I couldn't think straight, and I didn't care about anything. My appetite was decreased; I had to force myself to eat.

Wednesday sucked. I didn't want to do anything all day, but I had to work. I procrastinated, I put things off, and I spent most of the day confused and groggy. I took in a lot of caffeine just to stay barely functional.

Thursday was more of the same. However, I had to visit clients and in order to do so, I had to drive about 500 miles round trip. I have no idea how I did it. I normally would enjoy audiobooks and music, but I drove most of the time in a groggy silence. That night, I was alone with the kids. I could barely force myself to really pay attention to them. I took them out to my favorite restaurant, but I hardly ate anything. We went to the park to distract them from my lethargy. I don't think they noticed, but I felt like a bad father the whole night.

I took another 18mg of Strattera this morning. I am really moody: I have punched my desk twice for silly reasons. I am saying stupid things out loud--thank goodness I am not on the phone or in front of customers. I haven't eaten since last night, nor do I want to. I feel lethargic, I could care less about anything right now. I am not suicidal, but I doubt my survival instinct would kick in if I really needed it. I cannot face the idea of leaving my house for any reason. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to play a game. I don't want to go to bed. If a dancing, nude, beautiful woman were with me right now, I would ask to be left alone. I can only focus on this blog post right now because it is channeling all this negative emotion inside of me.

My doctor had no idea that this would happen, so I can hardly blame her. What I am experiencing is partially the advertised side affects, and partially the little known dark side of Strattera. I have been surfing around this morning and found a lot of negative comments on Strattera. There isn't a lot of science to describe my lethargy, but there is a ton of anecdotal evidence out there. Some people take this drug and it is a miracle. Some take it and nothing happens. But many have taken it at higher doses than me and seen their world fall apart. Thank god I am only on the baby dose.

Strattera may be some people's miracle drug. However, it is the worst thing that has happened to me in a long time. If I were already suicidal, this would have pushed me over the edge. If I were a poor employee, this would get me fired. If I did not have a supportive family and an easy job, I never would have made it through 5 days. Strattera sucks. The Ritalin's and Adderall's have been out for so long and have been so effective for so many people, why would I waste my time on this crap? A low dose of Strattera after five days has already put me in a position where I could do long-term damage to my career and relationships. This crap should not be on the market. Thanks Eli Lilly, you sons-of-bitches.