Newton's Laws of Motion

There are times when I have to write, like breathing. Have you ever taken a deep breath and tried to hold it in? You can't do it forever; eventually your body forces you to exhale. I often feel like that as I write. I have no choice; I have thoughts that need to be exhaled.

Even if I am not writing anything paticularly profound and know I will be throwing it away or deleting it, I write it down anyway. Even if I know I should be doing something else, I write when I feel I have to. Sometimes I neglect work or skip meals in order to write. Sometimes I get out of a warm, comfy bed late at night because I have to write something down before I burst.

Several months ago, I felt that way on a daily basis; today, not so much. The feeling comes and goes in unpredictable cycles. Right now, I am just trying to keep my blog updated. By posting something, I prove that this page is not abandoned. I have a lot going on, so it is probably a blessing that I do not feel the urge to write.

Therefore, while I am holding my breath a little longer, I will post someone else's thoughts. Isaac Newton, inventor of The Calculus and the first to define the Law of Gravity, also did the world a huge favor by defining the Laws of Motion. You have seen this, I am sure, many times in your life. I post this because I found it written on a 3x5 card in my stack of notes from years ago.

I love the simplicity of these laws. As I struggle with corporate politics and oppression, the complexities of love and life, and the short-circuited frsutrations of a career in electronics, it is nice to see that there is something in this world that can be proven; that there is something that sticks to the laws defining it without exception:

Newton's Laws of Motion:

1. An object at rest will remain at rest unless actred upon by a net force.

2. The acceleration of an object is directly proportional to the net force acting upon it, and inversely proportional to the mass of the object.

3. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

The Christmas Rant: What Happened to Honesty?

Sorry, I will get to the Carnegie/CSR posts soon. First, I need to cleanse myself with a little rant.

Bah! Humbug!

Christmas music? Christmas decorations? Children's toy commercials during boring documentaries? Come on, you filthy marketing whores! It isn't even Thanksgiving!

I am not really big on faith. If I had a gun to my head and had to choose a religion, I would choose Christianity. I like the principles, the ethics, the philosophy, the stories, and the traditions. I just don't see a lot of evidence for answered prayer, healings, and other miracles. I have seen too much as an insider of the horrible things that go on in some churches. Even so, I am not anti-Christian and wish I could have more faith.

Therefore, my disgust of American Christmas is not due to a black stain on my soul. In fact, quite the opposite. I believe that as I continue to cleanse my soul without relying on human institutions and rules, I have a healthier and more objective soul. I try to avoid righteous indignation, but it is hard where Christmas is concerned; I believe that if Jesus were here today we would lose his temper on all things "Christmas" like he did on the money-changers in the temple.

Some people think my Christmas-disgust is rooted in my childhood. No, I have fantastic memories of Christmas from my childhood. The odors of pine and nutmeg immediately bring up warm feelings of childish anticipation. My parents made a tremendous effort to make Christmas a great experience. We have photos to match my memories; Christmas was a time to lighten up and enjoy the moment in my house. I would love to relive any Christmas from my childhood.

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The problem for me lies in honesty. First of all, why are we telling kids all the myths about Santa Claus? If I walked up to a young Santa believer and told them that Santa wasn't real and that his parents had been eating the cookies all these years, I would be banished from society. I would be scorned like a child molester. Even my own children: it has not been an issue yet but I am sure that if I ever tell my kids that Santa is not real, I will have two Grandmas on my case with a long line of "don't-ruin-it-for-others" enforcers behind them.

We also like to say that Christmas is Jesus' birthday. That is highly unlikely. Let's assume that the bible is accurate, word-for-word. Can someone quote the Book, Chapter, and Verse that points to December 25th as the day Jesus was born? December 25th was chosen by the Roman Empire based on its proximity to the winter solstice and the festivities that converted-pagans had always held at that time. The powers-that-be realized that it would be easier to convert people by assimilating some of their favorite religious practices into the state religion.

We lie about "The spirit of the season." We imply that Christmas is about giving and sharing, about generosity and good-will towards man. On the contrary, Christmas in America in the 21st century is about shopping and meeting expectations. You give in order to receive, or to avoid being on the list of people who didn't give. You chuckle at the Santa and return his "Merry Christmas!", then cuss out the guy who took your shopping-mall parking-place.

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At the end of August this year, I was in a Target store looking for something for my yard. I went to the seasonal section where they had been keeping the lawn and garden stuff. I knew it was late in the season, and was hoping to find some stuff marked down. No, it was gone. The seasonal section was now orange and black, full of Halloween costumes and decorations.

I was thinking to myself that August seemed a bit early for Halloween sales. I ventured deeper into the seasonal section, hoping my bargains were hiding back in the corner. Instead, I found the last aisle to be red-and-green themed. Christmas decorations. In August. Good Grief.

I think it was the first week of November when I stumbled on "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" on TV. I like that show. My son loves it; he made me read the book 500 times last year. It is a great story, and Boris Karloff delivered one of the best performances of anyone, anywhere, ever. Even so, we haven't had Thanksgiving Turkey yet. There is a lot more football to be played. Can we hold off on the Christmas Specials until the Catholics start lighting candles, please?

I like the principle in "The Grinch" of someone who, like me, hates Christmas but finds the spirit overwhelming. I wish that one day I could find myself losing my cynicism, join hands with all the who's in whoville, and carve the roast-beast with a sincere smile. I cannot do that, however, until we start being honest.

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Why do we need to decorate a tree? Sure, it looks nice. But why? Why do we need to risk our life on a ladder, staple our gloves to the awning, increase our carbon-footprint and electric bill, and light up the night? Why do we need to send a Christmas Card to a boss we don't like, or an Uncle who still calls you by an insulting nickname? Why do we have to buy knickknacks and useless crap that we can't afford and the receiver doesn't want or need? Why do we, as a nation, pin our economic health to one Friday in November? Why do you go shopping on that Friday; do you like crowded stores, rude salespeople, and dangerous parking lots?

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When I was a child, Christmas was special. It was short; my little mind found it too short, but that adds to its special feeling. Christmas did not come around till December, and it built up gradually. I wasn't expected to give as a child, but if I did it was a very meaningful experience. I didn't expect to get quantity, I just wanted one or two things and this was the time of year where I could dream bigger than usual. The rest of the year was about school, chores, and needs. This was a time for dreams, for pleasure, for family gatherings. Food during the year was about balance and nutrition; Christmas food was about presentation, flavor, and enjoyment. I didn't have to eat the vegetable, and there was always more cookies.

I want my children to enjoy Christmas, but society has changed. The foods are available all year round now. The emphasis in on marketing hype, not on tradition and spirit. You are not allowed to say Jesus in public places, and most people say, "Happy Holidays" to avoid another frivolous ACLU lawsuit. Santa is in every mall, all the time, from October through January. The commercials are brutal; my son already has a want list a mile long, and he only watches an hour or so of TV a day at the most. The average child in America watches at least4 hours of TV per day; what effect does that marketing have on them?

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We are now raising a generation where Christmas is not special; it is an event in slick marketing, over-hype, a season that drags on for months, and is all about what you did or did not give/receive. There is no room for, "It's the thought that counts". There is no thought given to financial limits because that is what your credit cards are for; Congress does it, the President does it, so why shouldn't you spend more than you earn? It's your duty as an American, even more so as a Christian. If I boycott Christmas this year, will that be a win for the terrorists?

I predict that on November 24th through 26th, the news will crammed full of stories about how Macy's, Wal-Mart, and Toy-R-Us are concerned because of lower than expected sales on Friday the 23rd. The implication is that if you don't get out there and waste your money on low-quality crap from China, your nation's economy will suffer.

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"What's my solution," you ask with a scoff? Keep it small. Think. Christmas becomes a lot of work if you allow it; sit back and enjoy it more. Just hang a wreath on your front door--maybe a tree and a few kid-created decorations in the living room. Get together with family, but set limits on gift-giving. In a perfect world, we would setup college-funds (and fund their health-insurance if necessary) for all the kids and put more money into them in December than we did into FisherPrice and BestBuy.

Go to work for a few hours in a soup kitchen, or visit a state-run nursing home, with the kids in-tow. Give them more opportunities to analyze the holiday, to feel good about giving, and to see that there are differences between needs and wants. After the volunteering, buy them one big present (with cash, not credit) and put the biggest smile you can on their face.

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Why is it that we are supposed to have faith in Santa and not in Jesus? Seriously, every movie for Christmas is about some guy (usually white and wealthy) who's life is made right the second he starts believing in Santa. However, when Christians claim the same thing happened to them when they first believed in Jesus, they are met with scorn, ridicule, condescension, and the threat of lawsuit or censure.

I don't really believe in either Santa or Jesus, but if I had a choice which side would I be on? Santa is all about being fat, unshaven, dressed like a clown, riding in an impossible sleigh, whipping exploited reindeer who have no talent for flying, and defying all laws of space, time, and physics to deliver presents to everyone on his "good list".

Allow me to take this side-track for a second: When is Santa going to post the rules for being on the "Good" list. My friend was allowed to stay up till midnight, but I had to be in bed by 9:00 PM or Santa was going to hear about it. Were we both on the same list despite our difference in bedtime standards? And even worse, if Santa has to track the moral performance of billions of kids, how do we know he is not making any errors? Does he publish the bad list somewhere to list your infractions? Is there an appeal process? Jesus gave us the bible to follow, and he claims to be omniscient and omnipotent, but Santa is only human. Who is keeping him honest? And, for my liberal readers, has anyone looked into the Elf-labor conditions? Do they have a pension, insurance, and profit sharing? Do they even have a choice of employment? Who is their representative?

My hang-up with Jesus is his inactivity. I simply do not see any evidence that he or any other spiritual force is at work in our world. However, assuming that Jesus is more of a classical Arminianist than most people think, isn't his character more desirable in our society? He sacrificed himself for people who neither asked for it, nor did many of them want him to. He helped the underdogs of his society. He defied authority when that authority was clearly wrong. He touched people who were often shunned. He fed hungry people, helped blind people to see (metaphorically and literally), and demonstrated a humble, peaceful approach to life. The worst that people can say about Jesus is that he might have been married with at least one child. Hardly likely based on the evidence presented, and hardly scandalous either. We need more leaders like Jesus who walk their talk even if they try to keep their family out of the limelight.

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Christmas past = short, special, sacred, unique, traditional, spiritual.

Christmas now = starts earlier every year, over-hyped, slick marketing, crowds, greed, competition, unrecognizable as a unique, spiritual holiday.

Santa = strange, magical, unbelievable, vague, totally unscientific and unspiritual.

Jesus = love, compassion, rebel for rightful causes, defender of the misfortunate, unscientific for spiritual reasons, a person to emulate.

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It seems to me we are heading in the wrong direction. Even worse, it seems that there is no way to return to "the good, old days". I fear we have allowed Christmas to be ruined, and that we are losing a great thing.

I wonder if that same thing was said when the winter holidays were changed from pagan to Roman Catholic. Perhaps our new gods will make the holidays something to fondly remember for future generations. Even if your heart is three sizes too small, like mine and the Grinch's, there is always hope that good will triumph over evil. In the meantime, I am going to find a way to make the best of this situation. Also, I am going to resist analyzing why Santa and Satan are spelled so similarly.

How to Win Customers and Influence Markets

There is a fantastic book that I re-read almost annually: "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. The principles in this book will allow you to enjoy your life regardless of your circumstances and it will allow people around you to enjoy you more.

The trick is this: be sincere as you focus on other people's interests and ego. If you are selfless in identifying and referencing other people's interests and you stroke rather than threaten another's ego, you then have an opportunity to selfishly pursue your own interests with that person. Of course, you cannot be malicious or greedy with a person while remaining sincerely interested and humble, so Carnegie is not teaching techniques for bad people to gain influence.

I find that he is re-teaching me to be good. I learned most of this stuff in church and from my parents when I was little. Maybe not the specific techniques, but the underlying principle of humility, suppression of self-interest, politeness, and sincere interest in other people's interests. I rejected it in my teen years and continued to ignore the lessons as an adult because I was surrounded by selfish, greedy, cynical people who would throw their own mother under any moving bus to achieve a perceived benefit or promotion.

What Carnegie adds to the lesson of manners and morality is the selfish benefit to me. I had no idea that being polite and humble could benefit me directly. I thought I was just doing it to please my parents, the "authorities", and a God who seemed not to like me. I thought that if I did not counter the meaness of life with more meanness, I would get taken advantage of. If I had known that there were tremendous benefits to being a nice guy, I would have stuck with it a long time ago. As it is, being cantankerous and cynical while feeding off of negative energy was simply leading me down a lonely road of alcoholism, depression, and future ulcers, cancers, heart-attacks, and black-eyes.

We do everything for selfish reasons. We give to charity because we feel warm and fuzzy, because we hope to benefit from that charity in the future (Hospice, Cancer Society, Red Cross, Blood Bank), or because it puts our name on a placard, list, brick, or building. We sacrifice for our kids so that they do not end up in jail, living with us, embarrassing us, or to make sure they beat the neighbor's kids at whatever they do. We give our spouse backrubs and cook their dinner in hopes that they will soon do something nice for us (or do something nice to us.)

To sum up, Carnegie has taught me that it is okay to let the other person think that they have the upper hand or think that they are more important than me; in the end, I will get what I really want from the relationship. Being nice, humble, and sincerely interested in the other person pays off in selfish ways, and does so more effectively than deception or force. There are more benefits and less consequences to convincing people to willingly give you their favor, money, support, or permission than in forcing it from them or tricking them out of it.

However, I am not writing a book report here. I want to synthesize the information I read and reapply it in a new way. Dale Carnegie has written a manual for the application of a corporation's CSR philosophy. As I listened and thought about how I could improve my game with Carnegie's principles I kept thinking of how these principles could help a company gain market share, improve vendor relations, lower costs, increase employee loyalty and productivity, enhance the public image, and so many other applications.

Therefore, the next few posts will talk about how Dale Carnegie and CSR can make a company more profitable, stable, recognizable, and resilient to negative events and forces.

A Word, a Quote

Please allow me to provide some edification today by sharing a favorite, rarely used word and a favorite quote:

plen·i·po·ten·ti·ar·y [plen-uh-puh-ten-shee-er-ee, -shuh-ree]

–noun 1. a person, esp. a diplomatic agent, invested with full power or authority to transact business on behalf of another.

–adjective 2. invested with full power or authority, as a diplomatic agent.

3. conferring or bestowing full power, as a commission.

4. absolute or full, as power.

Thanks to: Dictionary.com

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"If I had my life to live over again, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time."

-Nadine Stair

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The Problem with Corporate Social Responsibility

The real topic of this post is my cynicism. I have the genetics of Eastern Europe cynicism coursing through my veins. As a life-long resident of the midwest, usually within a few hours of the "Show-me" state, I have been conditioned by my environment to be cynical. With all that I have seen, done, and failed to do, I cannot help but harbor at least some cynicism.

Cynics are natural skeptics. Our weakness is that we tend not to limit our skeptisism, believing that there is always one more reason not to believe that we haven't thought of yet. And that is the greatest threat to Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR). How do we test a company's sincerity when it comes to CSR?

I think we need to have some litmus test to seperate the talkers from the believers, but that too is risky. If we set standards for CSR, it is no longer a dynamic, creative, initiative. It is just another cost, regulation, or marketing gimmick. On the other hand, we need to win over a number of skeptics and have an answer for the interminably-skeptical cynic.

This morning I saw a commercial for Chevron, the oil company. If it is 100% true, then this is a company we should get behind and give them every advantage to succeed. Their commercial shows images of people's faces up close and of vast open blue waters giving me the sense that they really care about nature, the environment, and people. The voice-over talked about commuting and other things that hit close to home, telling me that they can relate to and are interested in improving my daily, trivial existence. They also mention the diverse energy initiatives that they are eagerly pursuing, to include clean, abundant alternative energy.

If I did not have a cynic in me, I would buy every share of Chevron I could afford, tapping out my cash, savings, 401k, and home equity. I would then begin a calculated campaign to get hired on at Chevron, even if only as a Janitor. I would devote every penny and every minute to the mission of Chevron: to profitably supply the world's energy needs while planning for the future and attempting to limit our environmental impact.

You notice I am on blogger.com rather than polishing my resume and emailing Chevron's HR department? Yeah, I am cynical. I just don't see an Oil company's board room being filled with a young, diverse group of idealists trying to think up ways to improve the global community while remaining profitable. I don't know this for sure, but my imagination is stuck on the image of a bunch of old, privileged people who have rarely (or never) had to pump their own gas, drive their own car, or buy their own groceries. The people who run Chevron, I think, are completely incapable of imagining a life that is only a few paychecks away from destitution. I see the board room looking a lot like the White House cabinet, with a few tokens for the "Diversity Initiative".

Sidenote: That is not a dig on Condoleeza Rice. Here is a black woman from the deep south raised in the 1950's and 1960's, and she has risen to the top on her own merit more than by quota. She is an accomplished Russian linguist, competitive ice-skater, concert-pianist, scholar, organizational leader, and football intellectual. She is an overachieving (the good kind), extraordinarily talented, energetic American who has given us her best effort at making this a better country. I doubt that she is given as much of a voice as she should be, and that had she been more free to think and her opinion more highly regarded, we would perhaps have had a better outcome over the last eight years.

Anyhow, Chevron would have to commit stock-market suicide to try at this point to end our dependence on oil. That is a profitable horse that they need to ride until it is dead if they want to have an overachieving (the bad kind over the long-term) stock price. The 1st second that one of the division Presidents tried to push a product that makes a cut into the carbon-fuel based market, he would be fired, black-listed, tarred, feathered, and run out of town on a rail. If that didn't happen in the 1st second, the 2nd second would see a class-action lawsuit against the CEO and Board for not protecting the company's bread-and-butter.

I believe in the potential of CSR to make Capitalism even greater than it is today. However, two obstacles remain: the people who view CSR as a marketing opportunity to trick naive people out of more of their money, and the cynics who will not give any idea a chance to live and develop. Both of them could be overcome with a litmus test that, I am afraid, would require us to peer into the human heart and discern its true intentions.

If we took a closer look at Chevron and measured the amount that they donated to charity or spent on environmental protection and clean-up compared to the amount that their competitors spent, would we be viewing a measure of sincerity? Not necessarily; however, we would have a competition, and competition is what makes Capitalism great.

What factor has the greatest effect on performance, in any human scenario? Competition. We spend as much time and money as we do on sports because of the competition, not the pretty grass or snazzy uniforms. We bet on sports to make the compeition even more compatitive and interesting. Competition makes people run faster, think more broadly and deeply, and generally try harder.

In Capitalism, monopolies are bad. Why? Because monopolies do not feature competition. The lack of competition means that you do not have to focus on price, customer-service, innovation, etcetera. The customer is going to buy from you no matter what, so what is the point in trying harder?

In a monopoly, you can go decades without seeing much in the way of value, technological advancement, or customer-focused efforts. That was the case with AT&T and the baby-Bell spinoffs until the 1980's and 1990's. 1984 brought about the rise of Sprint, MCI, and other long-distance players. Suddenly, AT&T had to compete and, low-and-behold, it was suddenly affordable and technically feasible to call long-distance and understand the person's voice on the other end. (Anyone remember the pin drop?) With the 1996 telecommunications act, there were suddenly competitor's on the local phone market. Now, all the Bells and Whistles such as caller-id and call-waiting that were once expensive or not offered to homes were bundled up, offered for free by some companies, or deeply-discounted from their original prices.

If we say that all companies have to donate 10% of their profits to a recognized charity, and that they have to hold so many meetings with local community organizations and NGO's to address their concerns, then we have created bureaucracy and regulation. That always ends up badly.

We cannot test the sincerity of their heart, but we can create CSR competitiveness by publicizing data that ranks companies according to their responsibility. I know this is being done, but it is watered down right now, and hard to find. I welcome the day that we hear quarterly about a firm's CSR merits or failures alongside their earnings, employment data, market share, and product development. I welcome the day when, by going to a firm's site, you can expect to have their CSR initiatives in letters and images as large as their products and services. I especially welcome the day when, as an investor, you can easily measure price-to-earnings and operating profit alongside their success at third-world medicine or inner-city education initiatives.

I have already admitted to be mathematically challeneged, but I do not think that is a handicap in the following opinion: if I were considering investing in two companies in the same industry, where one of those companies had a slight financial advantage and the other had a slight CSR advantage, I would choose the company with the CSR advantage. Financial advantages are temporary; they can change over time. Look at the U.S. auto industry over the last 20 years. Financial advantage does not necessarily mean that the company is doing the right thing to be profitable in the future, it simply means that it has it ducks in a row today. One new discovery, disaster, or recession can change all of that in a quarter or two.

I think that if a company has done a diligent job implementing a comprehensive Responsibility strategy that can be communicated clearly and demonstrates itself to be successful, then that is a better indicator that the company has sound leadership, youthful energy, enthusiastic and free brainstorming-to-implementation processes, and a long-term outlook focused on doing things right, rather than doing things cheap, quick, and easy.

I would like to start collecting links to sites and publications that rate a firm's CSR activity. As I find them, I will post them here. Won't you do the same? Please send me any links or lists of publications you have that rank a firm's CSR performance.

So, What is Next?

So, now I have checked off some huge "To-Do's"...What am I going to do with myself now? I am going to attend Graduate School. Why? Because it is there.

1. I am going to attend Graduate school because I believe that is who I am: I am that level of student. Some people coast by in school, hating every second and wanting to do the bare minimum. Over the last several years, I have beene the kind of student who absorbs as much of the material as possible, attempts to make connections and synergize information, create new ideas based on current understanding, and communicate my knowledge and opinions about the material in an organized, informative manner. Also, it usually means higher salary at some point in your career. Finally, it will expose me to people and ideas that I would not normally encounter, broadening my experience and deepening my understanding of the world around me.

2. I am continuing my study of the Russian language. This will help me later when I begin my International Graduate Studies. It will open new opportunities for me. It will broaden the experience of my kids because as I learn Russian, they learn some too. Most of all, there are many who say that bi-linguality increases a person's ability to consider ideas and find creative solutions due to the billions of additional circuits your brain has to wire for the additional languages. As an added bonus, aren't bi-lingual people more interesting? How cool would it be to sit on a crowded bus and converse with your son in a language that probably no one else around you understands?

3. I am going to be more charitable with my time and money. Especially with my time. I am looking for a great volunteer opportunity. I want to spend at least a few hours per month doing something that makes this world a better place. I have a lot of different skills and interests, and I want to make my time count, so I am moving slowly on this one. I want to find one charity that I believe so strongly in that I can not only focus extra cash and time on it, but I can tell oither people why they, too, should consider giving to the charity. Stay tuned, I will be announcing my choice soon.

My reason for charity is totally selfish. First of all, I am a karma junkie. I cannot send out enough good karma because I want as much good karma as possible coming back to me. Second, that warm, fuzzy feeling after doing something good is like crack. I plan on staying high as a kite on that warm, fuzzy feeling. (Queue the music: "Hooked on Feeling")Finally, aren't charitable people more interesting? If I meet someone new and tell them that I speak Russian and spend some Saturdays as a volunteer, I will be so interesting that I won't have to hear about their favorite TV show or their "gifted" grandson.

4. I will run a Marathon. I have wanted to for some time. I was signed up to run the Honolulu Marathon one year, but I was too hung over that morning to even get off the floor and put my shoes on. More on the Marathon later. Suffice it to say, I am heading off a mid-life crisis at the pass by establishing some accomplishments. Besides, aren't marathon runners more interesting? No, I guess their not, but they are respectable in a weird way. I want people to look at me like I'm crazy as I proudly trod past them in my black spandex pants and $200 shoes...in the snow...at 6 am.

I Did It

My life is not going perfectly. Like everyone else, I have the daily struggles and challenges: sicknesses, time demands, financial demands, traffic, worthless local sports teams, etcetera. However, it is all just white noise against the background of my smile. I can't stop being happy. I am satisfied. I am motivated. I am elevated.

I finished my degree; I can now say I am a college graduate. I say that to myself often. Finishing my degree gives me a piece of paper that proves I am at the level where I belong. Without my degree, I felt like an impostor, a commoner who snuck his way into a royal event and everyone knew he didn't belong there. For ten years, I looked forward to the day where I could say I had a degree. I know, it doesn't actually mean a lot to anyone unless I am on a job interview. Even so, it is important to me, and it has bolstered my confidence and self-image.

Another problem I have had with my self-image is not having a certification. In the IT industry/telecommunications industry, numerous companies offer a test that, once passed, certifies your skills in a specific area. In 2000, I was first introduced to the Cisco Certified Network Associate exam. My team sat through a one week course and then took the exam. We all failed; I came within a few point of passing and should have stayed with it. Most of the guys shrugged and went on with their life. A few continued to study and later passed it. I wanted to complete it, but I had life to contend with.

If you want something bad enough, you go for it. I had a pregnant wife, and I was facing my first thoughts of fatherhood in 2000. I also was working on my degree, and wanted that more. Looming over all of this was my alcoholism, which would make a strong showing in 2000. So, I say I wanted my CCNA but I admit I didn't want it bad enough.

Even with life throwing curve balls and all the changes I have experienced since 2000, I never shook off the desire for the CCNA. I studied for it on and off over the years, but there was always something else going on to distract me. I even took it again in 2005--they had updated the exam for new technologies and made it more challenging. Again, I missed it by a few points.

In 2003 I accepted a position with my current employer. Soon after that, the company began to encourage all Field Engineers to earn their CCNA. Two of my bosses earned their certificate. Several co-workers earned theirs. I studied on and off, but there was always something else to throw me off.

In September of this year, I was a free man. I had the college degree I had always wanted. I was now able to focus on my CCNA. I chose to take an accelerated course at the local community college to help me along. When it ended in mid-October, I was free to focus daily on my existing weaknesses. I could taste the certification; I was finally to a point where I could accept nothing less.

Of course, being free of alcohol was a big boost this time. Now that I am a seasoned father and husband, I had a better conception of balancing work, family, and study. Treating my ADD has been a tremendous boost.

However, the difference maker was my attitude. I wanted my CCNA, I knew I could pass the test, I knew how to get there, and I would not accept anything less. I was going to spend every penny I could earn or borrow and I would spend every second I could until that certification was mine.

You can either take one 65 question test that covers all of the material or two smaller tests that break it up. At first, I thought that the two exam option was the way to go. As I mentioned in my previous post, I passed the first of the two. The following Monday, I failed the second one (by only a few points, as always.)

Cisco will not allow you to take the same exam more than once in a five day period. I came so close and felt so good when I failed on Monday that I told people I "smelled blood in the water." Therefore, I decided to take a chance on the one big exam, rather than wait five days to take the second-half exam again. So the night that I failed, I went home and signed up online for a Tuesday morning exam of the one-test CCNA exam option. I studied that night some more, brushed up a little in the morning, and headed on to the exam location.

The large exam was hard, hard, hard. I knew I screwed one or two questions early on. The exam was so hard, I could never get that dominant, confident feeling that I had when I passed the first-half exam.

The exam is all on a computer, and it scores your exam immediately after you finish. You click "next" through all the questions and when you get to the last question, there are two clicks to get to the pass/fail screen. Those two clicks take forever (in my mind) and are one of those dramatic moments that slow your heart and make your clicking finger heavy.

As it turned out, I passed. I did well, in fact. All my negative feelings were for naught. I walked out of the testing site without touching the ground.

It is amazing how it changed me on the inside. I am now untouchable. I have gained confidence about my future. I know that no matter what else goes on, my career is onward and upward from here.

Moreover, I unexpectedly lost a dependency on my job that I didn't know I had. I have held the title of Engineer for six years now and have ten years in the industry, I have a decent list of skills and experiences, and I have a network of friends and colleagues that has helped me out in the past. I have been laid off three times and always landed on my feet with another great job.

I now realize that I had this underlying dependency on my current job. I had a feeling that I needed it, that without this job I would have a chasm in my life. I have always known that this is just a temporary stop, and that my goal is much higher and broader than where I am now, but there was this unexplainable dependency in me that was lifted last week.

I attained my CCNA on October 30th. Since then, I have a new feeling. I feel free. I can study anything I am curious about without feeling like I am being distracted from something more important. I can set new goals, and set them higher than before. Most of all, I can leave this job. I don't have any immediate plans, and there is not a compelling reason for me to leave. I just have this new feeling that I can if I want to.

Janis Joplin sang that freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. I wish she could have know the freedom that I feel now. It has nothing to do with losing. It is more like I have been climbing a mountain for a long time, and now I am at the summit, free to look around, rest, or set my sights on new mountains. Now that I know the feeling at the summit, I want to climb another mountain.